Part 2 - Part 1 posted on August 12, 2009
The Chavez strike force encountered shocking resistance on the 200 yard par 3 second hole of the Caracas Country Club yesterday. The special forces team had used the night hours to import a fleet of inflatable assault craft on which they expected to sail smoothly over the piranha infested water hazard to an easy landing on the beach, the large bunker surrounding the terraced green. Groundskeepers, inspired by the beer cart girl's spirited defense of the first hole yesterday, had something else in mind. Apparently this band of brothers was more worried about losing their paycheck than maintaining solidarity with The Mighty Wind Who Would Rule Venezuela For Life. Working under cover of darkness the greens team filled the greenside bunker with quick lime. The Chavez forces paused in confusion as the first wave waded ashore into the bunker, then recoiled in horror as their boots began to burn. After allowing the first twinges of doubt to blossom in the strike force, Renaldo, head greenskeeper at the Club, turned them into fear with the wave of a towel that brought a fleet of speeding attack mowers out from their hiding place behind the green. The mowers swept relentlessly down on the strke force, never slowing, racing through the panicked soldiers like so many blades of tall grass on a beeline to the beached prows of the assault craft. As mower blades met rubber the craft began to deflate violently, launched back into the water hazard by the jet propulsion of compressed air suddenly rushing through puncture wounds. The special forces teams still on the boats were suddenly knee deep in water, piranha infested water, and sinking fast. The mowers circled back on the beached assailants, the engines roar drowning the screams from the boats. On this day the Chavez forces would not triumph. Renaldo, taller and younger than most of the men on his crews, had grown up on the golf course as an assistant groundskeeper's son in Southern California and returned to his homeland for the chance to become head groundskeeper at a prestigious club. Now he exhaled deeply for the first time in hours, relieved that his plan had succeeded, the Club was safe, for now. The Mighty Wind could only roar in frustrated rage.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Chavez Attacks Caracas Country Club
Forces commanded by The Mighty Wind - Generalissimo Hurricane Hugo Chavez - announced victory in the first battle of the recently declared war on the Caracas Country Club. This stirring defense of the proletariat (occasionally described as a sneak attack, but only by colonialist lackeys reporting from outside the boundaries of Venezuela) began only yesterday, but the Venezuelan troops have already captured the first hole, a par four playing 380 yards from the white tees with a line of trees on the left and bunkers on the right. The Chavez strike force, an elite squad of special forces personnel, overcame fierce resistance from two fairway bunkers, a steeply sloped, closely shaved green and Bertina, an attractive teen operating a beer cart as a summer job, to reach the green in less than five minutes. Bertina, who's blond hair and blue eyes proved a Dutch ancestor would appear if her family tree were shaken hard enough, was so startled by the attack that she veered her brews cruiser directly at the leading edge of the commando force. Vincente, the dark, lithe commander of the strike force, fretted as she sped straight at him. Generalissimo Hugo would not hesitate to bury her with a burst of automatic fire, but Vincente was not Generalissimo Hugo. He turned his humvee directly toward Bertina and began firing, far over her head. At the last second, Bertina swerved, glancing off the corner of Vincente's jeep and spinning to a stop. Bertina was stunned, but only for a moment. In the confusion created by scores of spraying beer cans she raced to the tree line near the first green. Vincente looked up from the melee created as his soldiers chased the rolling beer cans, saw Bertina still yards away from the trees and thought about chasing her down. With a small smile he looked down again and began to restore his men to order with a string of carefully selected oaths. As dusk fell, Hugo's Hombres established a command post and rested for the night. The second hole, a par three on a peninsula jutting into piranha infested waters, would present unique challenges to the forces of The Mighty Wind.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Just Resting My Eyes
A Look At Who Naps - Astonishingly, it turns out that 100% of C-Span viewers take naps.
The linked story on the results of a recent nap survey includes the mandatory paen to the power of the nap, and another line dear to my family's heart:
"Some people claim they are just resting their eyes when they are really snoozing."
If you need a little excitement to wake up, just head for Saratoga Springs.
2 Entries at Saratoga's Opener: Hope and Gloom - Gloom? The Spa has the horses, a neuro-science PhD turned trainer (Michelle Nihei, pictured) and a realistic chance that the winners of this years Derby, Preakness and Belmont will meet in the Travers in late August, a showdown of champions. Hmm, neuroscience - undetectable performance enhancing drugs - inside dope for the horseplayers who read the NY Times - who knows. The excitement just keeps building. What more could we ask? Well, suppose we dropped the Preakness and we were heading into Saturday's Jim Dandy as the third race of the triple crown, with all the top three year olds rested, healthy and full grown.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Headline Crawl 6
Homeless Families Could Face Eviction Over Rules - If this is not self-explanatory you should be reading another blog.
City Aids Homeless With One Way Ticket Home - Enough already. Indignant letter including choice excerpts from definition of "homeless" already en route to NY Times.
Iraq Force Soon To Be Coalition of One - Now that Mongolia is out of the picture, the coalition of the willing is, well, just US.
Plantations of Cacao Stir Bitterness - Yes that very dark chocolate can be a little strong, try mixing in a pinch of sugar.
China Pledges to Reduce Death Sentences - And the way to reduce a death sentence is....only kill the prisoner once?
Ireland To Accept Two Guantanomo Detainees - The decision followed extensive persuasion by Ambassador Dan Rooney, who says there is no truth to the rumor that the Irish concession followed a threat to arrange an Aras an Uachtarain visit for James Harrison. Rooney did grudgingly admit that both detainess weighed 280 pounds, ran a 4.4 forty and might be free within a year.
N.J. Man Facing Bribe Charges is Found Dead - Please NY Times headline gang, squeeze a name into these headlines. The families of half the politicians and lobbyists in the state read this thing and race to the phone in fear.
City Aids Homeless With One Way Ticket Home - Enough already. Indignant letter including choice excerpts from definition of "homeless" already en route to NY Times.
Iraq Force Soon To Be Coalition of One - Now that Mongolia is out of the picture, the coalition of the willing is, well, just US.
Plantations of Cacao Stir Bitterness - Yes that very dark chocolate can be a little strong, try mixing in a pinch of sugar.
China Pledges to Reduce Death Sentences - And the way to reduce a death sentence is....only kill the prisoner once?
Ireland To Accept Two Guantanomo Detainees - The decision followed extensive persuasion by Ambassador Dan Rooney, who says there is no truth to the rumor that the Irish concession followed a threat to arrange an Aras an Uachtarain visit for James Harrison. Rooney did grudgingly admit that both detainess weighed 280 pounds, ran a 4.4 forty and might be free within a year.
N.J. Man Facing Bribe Charges is Found Dead - Please NY Times headline gang, squeeze a name into these headlines. The families of half the politicians and lobbyists in the state read this thing and race to the phone in fear.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sztuckzi - Tricks are not just for Kids
In Stuckzi ("tricks" in Polish), young Stefek (Damian Ul) dreams of reconnecting with his absentee father. His cute older sister Elka (Ewelina Walendziak) misses Dad too, but she's mad enough and proud enough to steer clear of him until he makes the first move. Elka wants to quit mopping floors and land an administrative job with the big Italian company that has an office in her small Polish town.
Stefek thinks he can trick fate into changing his destiny, and maybe he can, although his magical efforts keep him perilously close to the railroad tracks and the trains that speed ominously down them. Elka plans to help herself, learning Italian, even letting her ambition get ahead of her loyalty to Stefek for one sorry moment.
Stuckzi follows the fate of Stefek and Elka, telling the story so visually that the subtitles are almost unnecessary. As Good As News enjoyed the movie, the characters, the pacing and the small Polish town setting. There is humor aplenty, especially in the eddies of life that swirl around Violka (Joanna Liszowska), the neighborhood slut, Elka's loyal boyfriend, the car-obsessed Jerzy (Rafal Guzniczak) and Jerzy's life coach Turek (Grzegorz Stelmaszewski), who expounds at length on a uniquely automotive theory of romance. Based on the quality of the humor that does come through, As Good As News suspects there was even more here for those who understand Polish, dulled in the lost timing and lost subtleties of the subtitles.
Subtitles or no, Tricks is worth renting. See it in the theater if you can go with a Polish speaking friend.
Stefek thinks he can trick fate into changing his destiny, and maybe he can, although his magical efforts keep him perilously close to the railroad tracks and the trains that speed ominously down them. Elka plans to help herself, learning Italian, even letting her ambition get ahead of her loyalty to Stefek for one sorry moment.
Stuckzi follows the fate of Stefek and Elka, telling the story so visually that the subtitles are almost unnecessary. As Good As News enjoyed the movie, the characters, the pacing and the small Polish town setting. There is humor aplenty, especially in the eddies of life that swirl around Violka (Joanna Liszowska), the neighborhood slut, Elka's loyal boyfriend, the car-obsessed Jerzy (Rafal Guzniczak) and Jerzy's life coach Turek (Grzegorz Stelmaszewski), who expounds at length on a uniquely automotive theory of romance. Based on the quality of the humor that does come through, As Good As News suspects there was even more here for those who understand Polish, dulled in the lost timing and lost subtleties of the subtitles.
Subtitles or no, Tricks is worth renting. See it in the theater if you can go with a Polish speaking friend.
Monday, May 4, 2009
See THE ANSWER MAN? Yes!
Now when I talked to God, I knew He'd understand.
He said, "Stick by me and I'll be your guiding hand,
but don't ask me what I think of you,
I might not give the answer that you want me to."
Oh Well.
In The Answer Man, Arlen Faber (Jeff Daniels) talked to God, wrote up his notes, produced a book that captured "10% of the God market" then retreated into curmudgeonly hibernation for twenty years. Faber's awakening finally comes in two mysterious ways. A bad back leads Faber to a comely chiropractor (Lauren Graham). Romance ensues. Faber's desperation to rid himself of a collection of worthless self-help books leaves him indebted to Kris Lucas (Lou Taylor Pucci), an alcoholic book merchant who is equally desperate for wisdom. A bargain is struck. Faber coldly dispenses his godlike advice in response to Lucas's questions, on condition that Lucas must remove five books per question answered. Both plot lines march forward somewhat predictably to a hopeful, but not Hollywood sappy happy, ending. While the story is more than acceptable, it's only the beginning of the goodies in this film, a first for writer/director John Hindman.
First, let's talk about humor. Slapstick, sarcasm and sometimes scintillating dialog are scattered throughout to very good effect. Nothing says funny like a herniated disk and Jeff Daniels knows just what to do with one: listen to the same record over and over because he can't move to the turntable; get stranded by his agent because, well because he's been an asshole for twenty years; now listen to one single line of that same record over and over because a scratch develops; lastly, crawl slowly and painfully through traffic down a busy city street to the chiropractor and ask if you can go to the head of the non-existent line when you finally arrive. Well maybe one other thing does say funny like a herniated disk -a chiropractor's assistant, trying to drum up business by passing out leaflets while dressed in a foam rubber spine suit. Daniels and Pucci both play nasty enough to drop a snide bomb or two, but they keep it in check and neither becomes an object of hatred. While The Answer Man is not Juno (or The Gilmore Girls) there is witty dialog aplenty - the lines generate some big laughs, but not at the expense of believable characters.
Next, consider the characters. Faber wrote his book to deal with his father's struggle with Alzheimer's, but he couldn't cope with the book's success and his doubts about his own inspiration. Daniels captures both the harshness of Faber's stifled emotions and the humanity, the need and the hurt, they conceal in a performance made even more impressive because it's coming from a grumpy clown. Many will, aptly, compare this role to Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets, but Daniels's style puts As Good As News in mind of Walter Matthau in The Odd Couple. Interestingly, Mr. Pucci says he studied Jack Lemon to prepare for the role of Kris. The homework paid off, as Pucci is funny, desperate, proud, weak and sometimes strong in a demanding role that makes the movie more than just a Daniels tour de force. Despite her Gilmore Girls resume, Lauren Graham doesn't get to carry much of the humor load, in a role that is not written with the same depth as the male leads. The rest of the cast is very strong, with too many fine performances to single them out.
As Good As News recommends The Answer Man for viewing in the theater (where the audience laughter will add to the experience) or at home - and we are not just saying this because the director is a stand-up comic.
He said, "Stick by me and I'll be your guiding hand,
but don't ask me what I think of you,
I might not give the answer that you want me to."
Oh Well.
In The Answer Man, Arlen Faber (Jeff Daniels) talked to God, wrote up his notes, produced a book that captured "10% of the God market" then retreated into curmudgeonly hibernation for twenty years. Faber's awakening finally comes in two mysterious ways. A bad back leads Faber to a comely chiropractor (Lauren Graham). Romance ensues. Faber's desperation to rid himself of a collection of worthless self-help books leaves him indebted to Kris Lucas (Lou Taylor Pucci), an alcoholic book merchant who is equally desperate for wisdom. A bargain is struck. Faber coldly dispenses his godlike advice in response to Lucas's questions, on condition that Lucas must remove five books per question answered. Both plot lines march forward somewhat predictably to a hopeful, but not Hollywood sappy happy, ending. While the story is more than acceptable, it's only the beginning of the goodies in this film, a first for writer/director John Hindman.
First, let's talk about humor. Slapstick, sarcasm and sometimes scintillating dialog are scattered throughout to very good effect. Nothing says funny like a herniated disk and Jeff Daniels knows just what to do with one: listen to the same record over and over because he can't move to the turntable; get stranded by his agent because, well because he's been an asshole for twenty years; now listen to one single line of that same record over and over because a scratch develops; lastly, crawl slowly and painfully through traffic down a busy city street to the chiropractor and ask if you can go to the head of the non-existent line when you finally arrive. Well maybe one other thing does say funny like a herniated disk -a chiropractor's assistant, trying to drum up business by passing out leaflets while dressed in a foam rubber spine suit. Daniels and Pucci both play nasty enough to drop a snide bomb or two, but they keep it in check and neither becomes an object of hatred. While The Answer Man is not Juno (or The Gilmore Girls) there is witty dialog aplenty - the lines generate some big laughs, but not at the expense of believable characters.
Next, consider the characters. Faber wrote his book to deal with his father's struggle with Alzheimer's, but he couldn't cope with the book's success and his doubts about his own inspiration. Daniels captures both the harshness of Faber's stifled emotions and the humanity, the need and the hurt, they conceal in a performance made even more impressive because it's coming from a grumpy clown. Many will, aptly, compare this role to Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets, but Daniels's style puts As Good As News in mind of Walter Matthau in The Odd Couple. Interestingly, Mr. Pucci says he studied Jack Lemon to prepare for the role of Kris. The homework paid off, as Pucci is funny, desperate, proud, weak and sometimes strong in a demanding role that makes the movie more than just a Daniels tour de force. Despite her Gilmore Girls resume, Lauren Graham doesn't get to carry much of the humor load, in a role that is not written with the same depth as the male leads. The rest of the cast is very strong, with too many fine performances to single them out.
As Good As News recommends The Answer Man for viewing in the theater (where the audience laughter will add to the experience) or at home - and we are not just saying this because the director is a stand-up comic.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Final Chapters, New Themes
Fuji (Alberto Fujimori) is in jail for 31 years after a multi-year, twelve post campaign here at As Good As News. He's probably in jail for the wrong crimes, but that is the Peruvian way. We are not prepared to spring him just to demand that he be tried as a kleptocrat. What more can As Good As News really do?
The Texas succession movement is firmly and successfully launched, thanks to innumerable posts here and the timely intervention of Texas Governor Perry. The vision of a republic where public school classes in creationism are taught by evangelist ministers packing concealed six guns is so irresistable that Texas independence is now only a matter of time. As Good As News's work here is done, although we may be unable to resist an occasional progress report.
Norm never really caught the blogging public's eye, while Andy got more attention than he wanted. Both are quiet now, although the Norm & Andy series still garners an occasional comment from an Andy ex.
Doc Gurby's banking system escaped the financial crisis unscathed, in fact the financial crisis provides Turkmenistan with the opportunity to create a banking system. As Good As News will proudly remain the official blog of Turkmenistan, but don't expect much until the campaign for election to gengesh heats up this Summer.
What does it all mean? Time to create some new recurring themes. Watch for future posts on news developments in these areas:
1. Dump the Preakness. It's too close to the Kentucky Derby. A three year old needs more rest between starts. It's too short. If the best horse is boxed in, a mile and 3/16 doesn't offer enough time to escape. It's in financial trouble. Most importantly, no one really likes " Maryland My Maryland".
How can you replace a tradition like the Preakness? Move this triple crown classic to a track that's even older - Saratoga Springs. Adjust the racing season and race schedule slightly so the Jim Dandy becomes a triple crown event, run at a mile and 7/16 on the last Saturday of July. Pimlico has had a great run, but one visit to Saratoga Springs will convince doubters that the Baltimore track will make a nice shopping mall.
2. Let's Get Serious About Restructuring Mortgage Loans - Toxic securities comprised of bundled mortgage loans are toxic because of uncertainty. How many of the underlying mortgage loans will go into default, will we be able to cost effectively foreclose on the mortgages and sell the properties for anything resembling a reasonable price? If the owner of the toxic security can keep a high percentage of those mortgage loans performing by dropping payments to a level the borrower can afford, then you can value the suddenly not so toxic assets without even trying to guess at the cost of foreclosures, carrying costs and fire sale prices in a disastrous market, not to mention the benefits to the homeowner/borrowers, who will have a roof over their heads.
Why is the banking industry fighting to the death on a bankruptcy law amendment that would allow bankruptcy judges to adjust the terms of mortgage loans (as they now do with other loans)? There are valid concerns, but so far the banking industry, which certainly understands the benefits of a performing loan, doesn't seem to be mobilizing a successful mortgage loan renegotiation campaign on its own. Maybe the bankers should stop fighting and let the bankruptcy courts help them out.
Here's one approach that would help in a bankruptcy plan or a private renegotiation of a mortgage loan. If the borrower can't handle the payments without a principal reduction, then give him a principal reduction - at a price. The borrower must commit to pay a kicker, an agreed portion of the sale proceeds, to the bank if and when the house is sold.
For example, Borrower A bought his home for $200,000 in 2007 with a $170,000 loan from Bank. Now A is working only part time and the home is worth $130,000. Borrower can refinance at a lower interest rate, but he still can't afford the payments and he is ready to walk away (or stop paying and hang out for free for many many months until the sheriff shows up following foreclosure). Bank agrees to reduce the principal amount of the loan to $120,000 but only if Borrower agrees that when he sells the home he will pay-off the (reduced) mortgage loan and pay the Bank a kicker equal to 50% of any sales proceeds over $120,000. The kicker can be capped at $50,000 (the amount of the mortgage reduction) plus interest. Borrower stays in the home, Bank has a loan that is worth less, but it's a performing loan that it can value for financial reporting purposes, not a toxic unknown. Bank and Borrower will both benefit if the real estate market recovers, and even the value of the kicker (which would be very small initially) would show up on the Bank's books.
The Texas succession movement is firmly and successfully launched, thanks to innumerable posts here and the timely intervention of Texas Governor Perry. The vision of a republic where public school classes in creationism are taught by evangelist ministers packing concealed six guns is so irresistable that Texas independence is now only a matter of time. As Good As News's work here is done, although we may be unable to resist an occasional progress report.
Norm never really caught the blogging public's eye, while Andy got more attention than he wanted. Both are quiet now, although the Norm & Andy series still garners an occasional comment from an Andy ex.
Doc Gurby's banking system escaped the financial crisis unscathed, in fact the financial crisis provides Turkmenistan with the opportunity to create a banking system. As Good As News will proudly remain the official blog of Turkmenistan, but don't expect much until the campaign for election to gengesh heats up this Summer.
What does it all mean? Time to create some new recurring themes. Watch for future posts on news developments in these areas:
1. Dump the Preakness. It's too close to the Kentucky Derby. A three year old needs more rest between starts. It's too short. If the best horse is boxed in, a mile and 3/16 doesn't offer enough time to escape. It's in financial trouble. Most importantly, no one really likes " Maryland My Maryland".
How can you replace a tradition like the Preakness? Move this triple crown classic to a track that's even older - Saratoga Springs. Adjust the racing season and race schedule slightly so the Jim Dandy becomes a triple crown event, run at a mile and 7/16 on the last Saturday of July. Pimlico has had a great run, but one visit to Saratoga Springs will convince doubters that the Baltimore track will make a nice shopping mall.
2. Let's Get Serious About Restructuring Mortgage Loans - Toxic securities comprised of bundled mortgage loans are toxic because of uncertainty. How many of the underlying mortgage loans will go into default, will we be able to cost effectively foreclose on the mortgages and sell the properties for anything resembling a reasonable price? If the owner of the toxic security can keep a high percentage of those mortgage loans performing by dropping payments to a level the borrower can afford, then you can value the suddenly not so toxic assets without even trying to guess at the cost of foreclosures, carrying costs and fire sale prices in a disastrous market, not to mention the benefits to the homeowner/borrowers, who will have a roof over their heads.
Why is the banking industry fighting to the death on a bankruptcy law amendment that would allow bankruptcy judges to adjust the terms of mortgage loans (as they now do with other loans)? There are valid concerns, but so far the banking industry, which certainly understands the benefits of a performing loan, doesn't seem to be mobilizing a successful mortgage loan renegotiation campaign on its own. Maybe the bankers should stop fighting and let the bankruptcy courts help them out.
Here's one approach that would help in a bankruptcy plan or a private renegotiation of a mortgage loan. If the borrower can't handle the payments without a principal reduction, then give him a principal reduction - at a price. The borrower must commit to pay a kicker, an agreed portion of the sale proceeds, to the bank if and when the house is sold.
For example, Borrower A bought his home for $200,000 in 2007 with a $170,000 loan from Bank. Now A is working only part time and the home is worth $130,000. Borrower can refinance at a lower interest rate, but he still can't afford the payments and he is ready to walk away (or stop paying and hang out for free for many many months until the sheriff shows up following foreclosure). Bank agrees to reduce the principal amount of the loan to $120,000 but only if Borrower agrees that when he sells the home he will pay-off the (reduced) mortgage loan and pay the Bank a kicker equal to 50% of any sales proceeds over $120,000. The kicker can be capped at $50,000 (the amount of the mortgage reduction) plus interest. Borrower stays in the home, Bank has a loan that is worth less, but it's a performing loan that it can value for financial reporting purposes, not a toxic unknown. Bank and Borrower will both benefit if the real estate market recovers, and even the value of the kicker (which would be very small initially) would show up on the Bank's books.
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