Stroke On Newark

Secret Service: Detailed Look at '06 Turmoil - It's June 16, 2006. Steve Howards, a 55 year old environmental consultant, is visiting a shopping mall in Beaver Creek, Colorado with his seven year old son. Howards notices a commotion, spots Darth Cheney at its center, approaches, maybe taps Darth on the shoulder, tells Darth his policy in Iraq is disgusting and walks away. Ten minutes later the Secret Service arrests Howards for assault and deposit him in jail. When it's time to prosecute the five T-men turn into the 5 stooges, with conflicting stories about who said what when in the period between the incident and the arrest. Two of the agents claim that a third encouraged them to file a false report to justify the arrest. Howards is initially charged with harassment, not assault. Ultimately all charges are dropped and Howards sues the Secret Service agents, claiming civil rights and free speech violations.

There is absolutely no chance the Secret Service watched anyone assault Darth and let him walk away. If they did, the agents should be dismissed immediately. Not for the phony arrest or cover-up but for the most basic of failures - they did not protect the Vice President of the United States. So, if the 55 year old environmental consultant shopping with his seven year old son didn't assault Darth, what happened?

The T-men are giving conflicting testimony, but the one person who is saying absolutely nothing is Darth. Picture Darth after this incident. He's just been interrupted in the middle of an otherwise pleasant interaction with the loyal public. He's surprised, taken aback and, after a few minutes, angry. He growls quietly to Agent Reichle "Make sure that asshole never bothers me or anyone else again."

Collector Returns Art Italy Says Was Looted -Philanthropist Shelby White is "returning" ancient Greek and Etruscan art to Italy to resolve Italian claims that it was looted from archaeological sites. OK, maybe White bought some items of doubtful provenance, and maybe no one should get good title to stolen goods, no matter when and where they were stolen - but then why is Italy getting Greek artifacts? Are they more Italian because the Etruscans or the Romans stole them from the Greeks three thousand years ago instead of three hundred years ago?

Planning Newark's Next Big Step: An Apartment Tower Near the Arts Center - Developer Lawrence Goldman is now planning a commercial/residential development next to NJ/PAC. The skyline changing, upscale building, Newark's first residential construction in four decades, will include subsidized units for artists. The plan includes a boathouse for the Rutger's crew. Fantastic idea. Presumably the boathouse will serve the Newark campus (sadly, the New Brunswick campus no longer has a men's crew), but maybe it will offer prep and masters programs to Newark residents. Act now, Mayor Booker - you could be planning for Newark's Next Big Stroke.

Couch Potato Propaganda

Nathan Jones, graduate of Rutgers and Scotch Plains-Fanwood H.S., is on the Cowboy roster for a fourth year. Listed as a backup cornerback, he made the stop for the Cowboy's on the opening kick-off, nearly causing a fumble. On the Cowboy's next special teams play Nate wrapped up the holder after a bad snap, for two tackles in his first two trips onto the field. Even those who detest America's team can root for Nate Jones, a collegiate Academic All -American and a good citizen from way back when he spoke to the PAL football banquet as the star of the high school team.

A Stir, but No Crisis, From Principal's Gender Change - The principal of Ulster County's Career and Technical Center came back as a woman this Fall. Yawn. Most took it in stride, but Michael Locasio complained, "God makes things perfect and people want to screw it all up." Mr. Locasio seems to have no connection whatsoever to the school. Not clear why he was included in the story, but for the exciting contrast between his quote and the fact that he owns a tattoo parlor. I don't think the Times did this just to make fun of Mr. Locasio, I think they did it to drive As Good As News crazy. Suck us in with the irrelevant, but irresistible quote, then torture us with yet another insoluble headline capitalization brain teaser. Can anyone explain why "but" is not capitalized in the story title but "From" is?

Still Married With Children , But Trading Insults in Russian - so now "But" is capitalized but "in" isn't"? This story is great news for all Americans. OK, Putin is sounding more and more like a wild West capitalist version of Hitler, claiming the North Pole as Russian territory, supporting Serbia's saber rattling in Kosovo, establishing youth gangs who will make him President for life, prosecuting political dissidents on trumped up charges. All bad, agreed. But how worried can you really be about a country that takes Russian language retreads of "Married with Children" to its heart as a top rated show. Give the would be brown shirts another decade in the new Russia and the Putin Youth will turn into couch potatoes who want to join the Air National Guard to make sure they won't see combat. Even in the still photo you can see the Russian "Peg" has really captured the spirit of the original.

Two Sporting Propositions

Bake Sales and Trash Pickup Help College Teams Stay Afloat -Penn State fencers, frequent NCAA champs, clean Beaver stadium after football games, even scraping the gum off the bottom of the seats. Some of the football players help out, the ones getting punished for fighting. Butler softball players get to clean the basketball arena. Utah swimmers have it easy, they cater the luxury boxes during the football games. Other "minor" sports sponsor bake sales and car washes. All these work projects and fundraisers fill budget gaps and keep the minor sports programs, which grant scholarships, alive. It may seem unfair, but consider the alternative. Just as Rutger's football turned the corner, swimming, crew and several other sports disappeared. Minor sports regularly vanish at the Division 1 schools. Title IX sometimes gets blamed, but the core problem is usually lack of funds, not the requirement that programs funded with state money provide for equal participation by women.

So - Nittany Lions - how about a sporting proposition. If the fencers finish higher than the football team in this year's NCAA rankings then the football team cleans its own stadium, turns the proceeds over to the fencers and participates in an exhibition fencing tournament as a fundraiser. All participants wear tights. If football ranks higher, the fencers clean again, and put on a skit as teenage mutant ninja turtles at the football awards dinner.

All this weirdness stems from the basic decision at most Division 1 (1 A in the case of men's football) schools to run football and basketball as a business. There are positive elements to this approach. A few successful programs consistently yield profits that help support other sports - although for many schools this is a mirage, encouraging futile investment to reach a goal that is always just out of reach. Even the programs that don't produce a steady income can win sometimes, boosting the spirits of students and alumni. Think about the Rutgers students spilling onto the field in a sea of red after last year's win over Louisville, and guess what it did for alumni donations and the number and quality of applications from incoming freshman.

As Good As News likes a good college ball game, but on balance running college sports as a business may do more harm than good. Some colleges, Williams for example, put enormous effort into recruiting, coaching and winning in a tremendous number of sports, but the goal is to develop the student (and maybe make the alumni a little happier), not fund the athletic department. MIT used to field teams in more sports than any other college, maybe it still does, but the goal was to compete hard at the level of the students , not recruit future pros.

How about one more wager, let's take a look at the income reported in the year 2018 by the members of the 2008 Williams football team and the 2008 University of Southern California Trojans, a preseason number one pick that will produce many professional athletes. First, As Good As News recognizes that income will not accurately measure the contribution, success or happiness of a teacher, musician, writer, curator, social worker, etc. Understood, but we need something we can count here. Now let's compare incomes in 2018 - the team with the higher income does nothing. Each member of the team with the lower income must donate 20% of his 2018 income to the athletic department of the winning school. Any takers gentlemen?