Tortured

As Good As News has run too many posts to count on torture - just search this blog for "torture" - dozens of posts will appear and most of them, well at least 10%, are serious. Generally we are against torture and particularly upset with Dr. Yes and the other lawyers who strained to opine that interrogation techniques which, historically, had been prosecuted as war crimes are now OK.

Today, stirred by the overkill of coverage on the torture memos release (what's so new here MSM and where have you been for the last five years), for one day only, we will look for another side to the torture issue.

At least one form of torture, though cruel and fiendish beyond comprehension, will not violate the Geneva Convention, or any US law or treaty. The morality of this technique - well, we leave that to the judgment of our readers.

The prisoner is informed, truthfully, that if he can break par on a serious golf course he will be released, no strings attached. The prisoner is provided with equipment, lessons, unlimited practice time - in other words, a fighting chance to break par. The prisoner is then required to play 183 rounds in one month at Augusta National. No prisoner has won freedom. In fact, no prisoner has survived more than 17 rounds without breaking. By breaking we mean weeping like a baby, begging to return to Gitmo, offering the footnotes to Al Qaeda's long-term strategic plan. With waterboarding, you pretty much know it's going to be bad when they cover your face and you hear the water sloshing in the background. Only golf offers the tantalizing promise of the great shot, followed inevitably by the shank, snap hook, missed two foot putt, etc. Somehow the pain of the bad shot is always a surprise, even when it has happened a thousand times before. The more athletic prisoners get the worst of the golf torture, as the dream of freedom seems almost real on a hot streak, only to disappear, like an approach shot that lands a little hard on the wrong side of the green and slides gently into the adjacent bunker.

A second thought is stirred by Peggy Noonan's "sometimes it's better to just keep on walking" response to Obama's release of the torture memos. Didn't Goring say that at Nuremberg? When Jack Bauer saves Los Angeles by extracting the location of a dirty nuclear bomb from a recalcitrant terrorist in the heat of the moment, As Good As News will say "just keep on walking". When military and CIA interrogators seek legal opinions and cabinet level clearances for the use of torture as a regular interrogation technique- and get them - it's time for Nancy Sinatra, not Peggy Noonan. Dr. Yes, one of these days those boots are gonna walk all over you.

Hidden Joys of Secret Law

Justice Department Will Share Interrogation Opinions - Relax, this is not another As Good As News diatribe on severe interrogation, the posts themselves have become a form of torture. No, the news here is the President's belief that he can ignore or modify previous executive orders without telling anyone. This is the best idea since double secret probation. Maybe the next secret executive order (so secret that only the President knows about it) will require that all Federal government vehicles on interstate highways drive on the left side of the road.

Arizona Adds Digit to License Plates to Keep Up With Growth - In recognition of its increased population and the resulting uptick in snarled traffic and angry drivers, Arizona, has deleted the purple mountains and cactus from its license plates and substituted a highly stylized pictograph of an upraised middle finger emerging from a clenched fist. State officials explained that the pictograph of the middle digit, which conveys a striking sense of frustration and imminent violence, would preserve the State's Native American tradition and enhance safety by allowing Arizona drivers to vent frustration and anger with both hands on the wheel.

OK, seriously, Arizona added a seventh digit because it needs more numbers to keep up with increased vehicle registrations. North Dakota is contemplating a cost-saving switch to three digits early next year.

Dr. Yes Credit and Thank you striking writers

Thank you striking writers, for leaving me stuck on PBS tonight. Cheney's Law was a replay of Jack Goldsmith's book and a long NY Times article on Cheney's push to maximize Presidential power and the assistance, resistance then assistance it received from the Office of Legal Counsel within the Justice Departement. No new news, but it was nice to see and hear good guys Comey and Goldsmith and bad guy John Yoo (who former Attorney General John Ashcroft tagged as Dr. Yes before As Good As News got there). Bad guys Addington (Picasso of the signing statement) and Bradbury received well deserved demerits, but were not interviewed.

I am far too lazy to add all the links, but search this blog for "Yoo" and "signing statements" if you want short essays (one or two are even funny, torture and the imperial presidency are always good for a laugh) on several points the PBS special touched upon.

Please, Just Tell Me What I Did

C.I.A. Watchdog Becomes Subject of C.I.A. Inquiry - On order of Director Michael V. Hayden the CIA is investigating its own inspector general, the agency's internal watchdog. The inspector general, led by John Helgerson, has stirred resentment among CIA operatives with its aggressive investigation of CIA detention and interrogation programs. Operatives kicked off the investigation with a brief interrogation of Mr. Helgerson. Helgerson had nothing to say during the first week of the inquiry, when he stood at attention for the entire seven days without sleep or food. He really began to open up in week two, when the interrogators dropped his cell temperature to 33 degrees and confined him in a coffin size box, from which he was periodically removed for a succession of recreational underwater swims. Each swim lasted just long enough to let Mr. Helgerson enjoy the sensation of drowning before he returned to his freezing coffin. By the end of the second week Helgerson had confessed to peddling pornographic pictures of his granddaughter over the Internet, kicking a neighbor's dog when he was ten years old, and robbing a string of banks in the Upper Midwest during the 1970's as part of the infamous Port Huron Provos. The disoriented Helgerson was attempting to cooperate, but he just couldn't seem to get with the program. In week three the investigators brought the inquiry to a successful conclusion with a surprise tactic. By raising Helgerson's cell temperature to 40 degrees they created a climate of trust and openness, or at least a climate in which Helgerson's brain could function well enough to figure out what they wanted to hear. Within hours, Helgerson had signed a statement confessing to treason - more specifically espionage by virtue of leaking classified information concerning legal advice provided by the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel. Helgerson also confessed to the attempted murder of the Agency's legal experts on torture, John Yoo and Steven Bradbury. Details of a third confession in which Helgerson claimed sole responsibility for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart were not released, however Helgerson did confirm that he had consented to severe interrogation and that at no time had the operatives crossed the line into torture.