Alaska First

This is a great moment in history. Why? Because equality of opportunity suddenly feels like a promise America can keep? Because in a difficult time that calls for real leadership, Barack Obama is smart, decisive and confident enough to listen, one of those rare leaders who actually knows what he doesn't know and is willing and able to learn quickly but with some real depth? Because change might be more than a campaign slogan thanks to some technically savvy organizing and fundraising that allowed the President-elect to keep one foot out of the special interest quagmire of quid pro quo contributions and cronyism that kills fresh ideas still born?

No (hey As Good As News is still a comedy blog), this is a great moment because Alaska, home to the Anchorage Anchor - Sarah Palin - has become the first State to elect a convicted felon to the United States Senate. (OK, we know the early ballots are still being counted and FiveThirtyEight is leaning blue - all the more reason to seize the moment, no other felon has come this close.) Alaska is remarkably low on qualified candidates for high office, explaining both Sarah Palin and Senator Teddy Topbunk Stevens. Steven's re-election raises some exciting questions. Will the Senate overturn the will of the Alaskan people (and caribou, reindeer and whatever else is voting in this Northern nuthouse) and refuse to seat Stevens even though he was re-elected after he was found guilty - guilty of accepting, and not reporting as a gift, home improvements for which he paid only a fraction of the cost? Will Stevens become the first Senator to vote via video phone, or maybe get prison leave so he can hit the Senate floor sporting the latest in wrist and ankle wear accompanied by a heavily armed posse of correctional officers?

In Steven's defense - if my own home improvement contractor had given me a bill for one-third of the actual price (which was stupendous in comparison not only to the estimate we received but to the gross national product of Turkmenistan), I would surely have paid it without even realizing I was getting a discount. If only Stevens had presented the jury with the "contractor run amok - who knew" defense, he would be a free man today.

Maybe Todd Palin has a point. This Alaska secession thing could work for everybody. Just remember, Todd, the oil is on Federal land, all bought and paid for by us, the American taxpayers, as part of Seward's folly. So take Alaska out of the Union, make your wife Prime Minister -she'll feel like she's on an equal footing when she's hobnobbing with her neighbor Putin and the real Sarkozy and all the other Prime Ministers are wearing those chic outfits from Neiman Marcus. Just don't forget to send the royalty checks for the oil and gas.

Between the plan and the reality lies the Rudy campaign

The Rudy Plan- forget the early primaries in those hick states that will never love Rudy anyway. Rudy will just wait for Florida, a state with a lot of Yankee fans, while Romney, McCain, Huckabee and whoever beat each other up.
The Risk - Romney's big investment in early decision states pays off and he sweeps into Florida looking invincible on the momentum of victories in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan and Nevada and a good showing in South Carolina.
What actually happens - Huckabee surges in Iowa and will continue to claim many votes from evangelicals, a big factor in Republican primaries. McCain revives in New Hampshire and triumphs in South Carolina. In sum, Rudy gets his dream scenario - he can charge into Florida offering leadership in a field of squabbling pygmies and even the religious right, a group whose skin crawls at the sight of Rudy, will split its vote between soul brother Huckabee and "winner" Romney.

The Rudy reality - He misses the headlines. Pat Robertson's endorsement doesn't mean much, even to evangelicals, as Huckabee bypasses the old leaders and goes straight to the young voters. Comedic news icons repeatedly mine Rudy's 9/11 obsession for laughs as the voters focus on the economy. Little things, like the fact that his current wife forgot a former husband, the fact that Rudy invented the vendetta and the unending troubles of Rudy's buddy Bernie, keep cropping up to fill the vacuum left by Rudy's non-campaign. He slips in the polls. The Florida campaign may end up with Rudy shopping for a nice place to retire - As Good As News hint - stay near Tampa, you'll love spring training.

Rudy, who will you blame when the early primary results look like they were scripted by your campaign manager and you lose Florida big-time anyway?

Newlyweds Seething After a Photo Studio Fails to Deliver - Speaking of vendetta, look carefully at the bride's expression in today's photo. The groom is miserable, no wedding pictures, photographer broke and incommunicado, no point in suing. The bride is wasting no energy on misery, she will kill someone very soon.

They Did What in Vegas?

DON'T FORGET MIKE'S NEXT SHOW - FEB. 4 AT CAROLINE'S
Caucusing With Flair, Las Vegas Goes to the Polls - Nevada switched from primaries to caucuses this year and held the caucuses right in the casinos. Most of the voters were confused. Many were stunned to learn that caucus was neither a new version of Keno nor an acrobatic procreational activity. Even to politically astute Nevadans, the caucus seemed like a primary. They were stuck in a room full of machines with levers, they just couldn't find the curtains. One dazed Republican wanted to vote for Thompson, Huckabee and Ron Paul, he kept pulling the lever waiting for three lemons to come up.

The Democrats were confused by Vegas too. Dennis Kucinich might seem a little nerdy (see Revenge of The Nerds), but his wife Elizabeth is a thirty year old red head with a tongue stud who looks good enough to be a show girl. Kucinich got only 5 votes, and no delegates, but enthusiastic Kucinich supporters kept stuffing campaign contributions into Elizabeth's bra.

Obama 2nd, but Takes 1 More Delegate - How can this be? Barack ran a close second but won an extra delegate (not the delegate's vote, the actual delegate) when a Hillary supporter on a losing streak threw herself into the pot in no limit Texas hold-em.

Late Night Joke Tester?

With Nods to The Strike, Late-Night Hosts Return -"Eight weeks after their writers went on strike and plunged their shows into reruns, Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien returned to late-night television Wednesday with original shows in which both the Iowa caucuses and the new facial hair on two of the hosts loomed large. Mr. Letterman, who sported a thick beard as gray as Mr. O’Brien’s was red...Mr. Leno said that the union rules allowed him to write jokes for himself. “I write jokes and wake my wife up in the middle of the night and say, Honey, is this funny,” he told the audience."

I am clearly Late Night material, with a half red, half gray beard and the same joke testing technique as Leno. I ask my wife if a new bit is funny. She typically replies "No". Not satisfied, because I am always irrationally enamored of my own material, I press on. "Why not, be a little constructive, it's a funny idea, there must be some way to make it work..." After listening patiently for up to two seconds, my wife will explain calmly that my joke's not funny, "because it sucks" ..........
................
Not Just Voter Fatigue: Candidates Mischime In - Covering sleep deprivation on the campaign trail, this piece features a quote from notorious night owl Bill Clinton, “You have no idea how many Republican and Democratic members of the House and Senate are chronically sleep deprived because of this system,” Mr. Clinton said in September on “The Daily Show.” “I know this is an unusual theory, but I do believe sleep deprivation has a lot to do with some of the edginess of Washington today.” While Bill looks on this as a problem, W reacts to the yawns of Congressional Democrats with a grin, "sleep deprivation is OK, but I would really like to see these windbags after a few hours of water boarding.".....
........
States Hesitate To Lead Change On Executions - All 36 states that execute by lethal injection use a combination of 3 drugs, designed not just to kill, but to kill without any last minute writhing that might discomfit witnesses to the execution. The question of whether this 3 drug combination is cruel and unusual punishment is about to reach the Supreme Court. In the meantime all 36 states that use it have put death on hold, but none will shift to a different approach. Lawyers in the case now reaching the Supreme Court argue that injection of a single barbiturate , the method used when euthanizing animals, will kill quickly and with less chance of pain. This method was considered but never used by any state, partly because of that nagging writhing problem, partly because it just didn't sound right to execute your condemned like they were animals. As Good As News says, if you must execute - then appearances be damned. Treat the condemned more humanely in fact while getting the maximum deterrent effect from a good death rattle and a headline announcing Cop Killer Dies Like Dog.

Hospitals Slow in Heart Cases, Research Finds - Code Blue? Oh yeah- I heard that, but I'm on my break.

Appeasement? Not in W's Vocabulary, but see One Answer Only

W has befriended Vlad Putin and made nice to Kim Jong-Il in Dear Ilvis, but no one will ever confuse him with
24 Down - Churchill predecessor: chamberlain

The Fruit of Treason

-Bronx Jeers for Giuliani, Now Rooting for the Red Sox - In an extraordinarily prescient post, As Good As News covered this story from today's paper yesterday, and we devote today's post to foul up and foul out - sorry, but we are going downhill from there.

-Their Looks For Fall 2008 - The Times reports Barack Obama and Rudy lead the youth movement in campaign apparel, as Rudy has seized on both sports and Italian - American design themes. Rudy is reportedly adjusting his "R" themed campaign gear to a Red Sox logo "R" and substituting blue for green to dump the Italian color scheme and capture the New England vote.

-Mob Discussed Giuliani Hit - A family of violent Yankee fans operating operating from a Fish and Game club on Arthur Avenue in the Bronx was caught by electronic surveillance planning a response to Rudy's flip flop.

Voice 1 -First Torre's out, now F......ing Rudy turns on the Yankees- this pro abortion, pro gay two faced punk who was never a real Catholic, a real Italian or a real Yankee fan is selling us out and switching his Italian gear to Red Sox crap - I'm taking this f....er out before he destroys the little good that's left in this country.

Voice 2 -Calm down Lamb Chop, New Hampshire's not our territory.

Voice 1 - I don't give a f... . I'll hit that F... er in F.......ing Red Sox territory where he deserves to die.

-Mideast Hawks Help to Develop Giuliani Policy - Apprised of the threat by the FBI, Giuliani turned to Neocon strategists Darth Cheney and Donald Rumsfield to plan adjustments to his security policy. A preemptive nuclear strike on the Bronx had nearly reached the implementation stage when one of Giuliani's campaign aids noted that the collateral damage might include radioactive fallout in states that Rudy hoped to carry in November. As the neocon strategists returned to the drawing board, a force of 200 camouflage clad Blackwater guards surrounded Rudy as an interim measure. Erring on the side of caution, the guards have been ordered to shoot anyone who looks Italian on sight. Giuliani donned his Red Sox cap to announce that he is prepared to deal with any threat and is looking forward to campaign stops tomorrow in Boston's North End and Providence, Rhode Island.

-Giuliani Questioned on Torture - Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani was taken into custody and questioned overnight by police in Laconia, New Hampshire after Giuliani's security staff pulled a Yankee capped listener from the crowd at a campaign event and subjected him to severe interrogation. The victim, Luigi "Lamb Chop" Canoli was being held under the surface of a tank of freezing water by Blackwater security personnel when Laconia police came to his aid. Canoli, who sputtered only "I got nothing to say" when rescued, was held as a material witness after a computer check revealed an extensive record of arrests in New York and New Jersey.

Please, Just Tell Me What I Did

C.I.A. Watchdog Becomes Subject of C.I.A. Inquiry - On order of Director Michael V. Hayden the CIA is investigating its own inspector general, the agency's internal watchdog. The inspector general, led by John Helgerson, has stirred resentment among CIA operatives with its aggressive investigation of CIA detention and interrogation programs. Operatives kicked off the investigation with a brief interrogation of Mr. Helgerson. Helgerson had nothing to say during the first week of the inquiry, when he stood at attention for the entire seven days without sleep or food. He really began to open up in week two, when the interrogators dropped his cell temperature to 33 degrees and confined him in a coffin size box, from which he was periodically removed for a succession of recreational underwater swims. Each swim lasted just long enough to let Mr. Helgerson enjoy the sensation of drowning before he returned to his freezing coffin. By the end of the second week Helgerson had confessed to peddling pornographic pictures of his granddaughter over the Internet, kicking a neighbor's dog when he was ten years old, and robbing a string of banks in the Upper Midwest during the 1970's as part of the infamous Port Huron Provos. The disoriented Helgerson was attempting to cooperate, but he just couldn't seem to get with the program. In week three the investigators brought the inquiry to a successful conclusion with a surprise tactic. By raising Helgerson's cell temperature to 40 degrees they created a climate of trust and openness, or at least a climate in which Helgerson's brain could function well enough to figure out what they wanted to hear. Within hours, Helgerson had signed a statement confessing to treason - more specifically espionage by virtue of leaking classified information concerning legal advice provided by the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel. Helgerson also confessed to the attempted murder of the Agency's legal experts on torture, John Yoo and Steven Bradbury. Details of a third confession in which Helgerson claimed sole responsibility for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart were not released, however Helgerson did confirm that he had consented to severe interrogation and that at no time had the operatives crossed the line into torture.

History's Judges

Vote by House Panel Raises Furor on Armenian Genocide - The House Foreign Relations Committee voted to condemn mass killings of Armenians in Turkey during World War I as genocide. The Committee shrugged off a vigorous campaign against the non-binding resolution by the Turkish government and the Bush administration, who warned that it would effect logistical support from Turkey relied upon by American troops in Iraq. "Modern day foreign relations problems like Korea, Iran and Russia are so messy and confusing", said Brad Sherman, California Democrat and a sponsor of the resolution, "it's much easier to make our constituents happy with non-binding resolutions that tackle historical evils head on." The Committee's agenda for the rest of the session is fully committed to an in-depth condemnation of British colonialism, with subcommittees toiling on native North Americans, Australian Maoris and the real vote getter, a decade by decade review of the British Raj in India. Committee leaders hope to squeeze in a special session for CSPAN - The Dutch in Africa - Forgotten Legacy of Terror.

Marines Press To Remove Their Forces From Iraq - Now even the Marine Corps commandant wants out of Iraq, although the Marines aren't running for home, just looking for work in Afghanistan. If approved the shuffle would leave the Marines as the dominant force in Afghanistan (25,000 marines are now in Iraq, 26,000 US soldiers in Afghanistan). The stated goal is to simplify the chain of command and use a fully integrated air/land force for operations in Afghanistan. There is absolutely no chance the commandant is thinking about getting the Marines out of what looks like a messy end in Iraq and into a war in Afghanistan that still has popular support and defined goals that US forces can achieve.

Mercenary Monitors Mocked

State Dept. Plans Tighter Control of Security Firm -The State Department will now send its own personnel as monitors with all Blackwater security convoys in and around Baghdad. The NY Times reports:

Representative Jan Schakowsky, an Illinois Democrat (pictured, fromWashington Post photo) who has been critical of what she calls the administration’s inappropriate use of thousands of unaccountable private security contractors in Iraq, mocked the decision to send monitors along with Blackwater teams. “This just shows how much they want to keep Blackwater on the payroll,” she said. “They’re going to have to send dozens and dozens of agents to baby-sit these Blackwater units.” She has introduced legislation to end the use of all security contractors in Iraq, replacing them with full-time government employees.

First, kudos to Rep. Schakowsky for spotting the key issue (some might note the remarkable coincidence that officials who spot the key issue are always the same officials that agree with a previous post on As Good As News). Second, wake up NY Times. Calling the monitors babysitters is not "mocking". At worst it is mild sarcasm, but when we search for the most precise term we can find to describe the function of the monitor we keep coming back to, well... "baby-sit". Mocking would be something like this:

"What exactly will these monitors do, Condoleezza, count the bodies?"

"Why not use electronic monitors, Condi, like the kind I have connecting my baby's nursery to the kitchen, they're much cheaper than human babysitters and you could link right to your own office. Some of these mercenaries are real hunks, it would be like watching The Young and The Restless Take Down Baghdad"?

"Condi, if we just used real soldiers and marines instead of mercenaries we could use the money to buy those new 51 inch, plasma, high def flat screen monitors for the State Department, and by State Department of course I mean your den, kitchen and bedroom. Think about it. Hell, maybe we could just make a deal with Erik, rent one mercenary, get one monitor free, no one has to know what kind of monitor we're getting."

Chanukah Song Update

Marcel Marceau, World-Renowned Mime With A Classic Repertory, Dies At 84 - As Good As News apologizes for the delay in reporting this sad item, but we have just learned of a new development. Adam Sandler announced today that he would add a moment of silence between Parts I and II of the Chanukah song as a tribute to Marceau, born as Marcel Mangel to Jewish parents in Strasbourg, France.

Debate Erupts on Techniques Used by C.I.A. -Kudos again NY Times - not because you ran a great story yesterday, we already gave you credit for that - but because you resisted the temptation to put the following remark from Senator John D. Rockefeller IV in a bold face headline: "I find it unfathomable that the committee tasked with oversight of the C.I.A.’s detention and interrogation program would be provided more information by The New York Times than by the Department of Justice."

CIA withholds torture opinions it received from the Justice Department, Office of Legal Counsel on grounds of "privilege". Executive privilege or attorney-client privilege? If the latter, who is the client, the US government as a whole, or just the CIA/Executive Branch? There are some interesting issues, maybe even Constitutional questions, but the basic absurdity of the CIA position - We can torture because we got a letter from our lawyer, and we don't have to show anyone the letter - dominates the specific questions. Something will have to give here, either in a Congressional inquiry or a court case brought by a torture victim.

Strip Policy on Rikers Costs City - The City has already agreed to a settlement fund of up to $50 Million to cover claims for inappropriate strip searches at the Riker's Island prison and it appears the guards are going for more. What is going on, Riker's guards? $50 Million broken into small bills should be more than adequate to stuff several hundred thousand G-Strings, with plenty left over for the lap dances, we gave you an unlimited budget and you exceeded it.

Decider Picks None of the Above

Bush Is Nearing A Choice To Lead The Justice Dept. - Let's not blow it again, W. Here are a few simple rules to follow, some of which you may actually like.

- Under no circumstances discuss this choice with Karl Rove, he's earned his retirement and he will only get you into trouble. What do you mean you already talked to Karl. No, you cannot name someone AG just because they want to prosecute Obama for loitering and remind Karl that there's no need for dirty tricks this year, you're not running for reelection. What? No, W, I know about FDR but it's in the Constitution now, didn't Alberto tell you that there are amendments too. I'm sorry W, you just can't run again.

-If anyone from Darth Cheney's office makes a suggestion listen carefully, then make sure that person does not become AG. I hear you W, and I know you really like Scooter Libby, but you just can't nominate the guy while he's serving time.

-When you finally have your short list, ask each candidate the same question. "What does the Constitution mean to you?" Now W, this is important, if anyone responds "What do you want it to mean" you have to send them home immediately. That's what got you into trouble with Mr. Yoo and Mr. Gonzales.

- Pick someone you trust. It's OK to pick a conservative Republican. Be careful though, a real conservative might actually care about Constitutional limits on executive power.

- Get a good manager. The AG has a big department to run, and it's already full of smart guys like John Yoo, smart guys with their own agenda, people that bear watching. The job demands people skills, the new AG will inherit a department that's been battered by Rove's political tampering and Darth's anything goes view of the Constitution. The gang that's left polishes their resumes from 9-5 then goes out for a beer after work every night to polish the lyrics to the new Justice Department theme song - Why We Hate W!

- Credentials are essential, especially with the mess you already made. Senate confirmation and respect from within the Justice Department will depend on these, but hey, you hired guys from Harvard (Gonzales) and Yale (Yoo) for jobs at Justice and they were disasters- Oh that's right - you went to Yale and Harvard, didn't you W - well, case closed. Why not try a Princeton undergrad, University of Texas Law grad with big-time government experience, someone who knows how to get along with a legislature - James A. Baker. Sure he's old and you blew off his Iraq report, but he cares about the country and he'll only be working for a year. With a little arm-twisting you can get him as AG and tell him to forget about that Azerbaijan-US Chamber of Commerce gig and make friends with Turkmenistan (As Good As News always stretching for an opportunity to plug Doc Gurby -it's not easy being the official blog of reclusive Turkmenistan.)

Adeaqla Ltd CEO Nedalnib Announces Nuke Start-Up

-No word yet on continuing effort by As Good As News to become the official blog of Turkmenistan.

-EX-WHITE HOUSE AIDE SAYS BUSH WASN'T INVOLVED IN ATTORNEY FIRINGS - Of course not, W probably on vacation that week. We call it the Cheney-Rove-W regime for a reason. Darth and Karl only too happy to get something done without having to waste time answering foolish questions from the Decider. Former political director Sara Taylor, above, was able to say three things about US Attorney dismissals - Bush not involved, I didn't do it and no wrongdoing by anyone - but specifics withheld on grounds of executive privilege. This irritated the Democrats on Senate Judiciary Committee, but Arlen Specter says not to worry about contempt charges because Sara was doing her best. A long time Rove aid, Ms Taylor seems to have kindly Uncle Arlen wrapped around her finger, but she wasn't quite so nice when dumping "lazy" prosecutors because they followed the rules instead of the Rove political agenda.

-FOR PARKING SPOT THE PRICE IS RIGHT AT $56,250 A TIRE - The $225,000 parking space on West 17th Street looks like an easy comedic target, but As Good As News knows better. To value the space realistically you need to live with a car in Manhattan and try the alternatives. Move your car every morning at 7AM to stay on the right side of alternate side parking rules, if you can find a space on the good side. Park near the river for less, take two subways and a hike if you ever want to actually use your own car. Forget owning and rent, but wait until you see the line on a holiday weekend. So $225,000 is already looking better, but now consider the kicker. Do not overlook the potential for development as an indoor swimming pool. STUDY PREDICTS FLOODS IN THE CITY IF THE CLIMATE GETS WARMER.

Adeaqla Limited announces plans to construct nuclear facility in Lehigh Valley. Permits granted and procurement already underway as CEO Nedalnib predicts explosive growth for start up operation. Kudos if you noticed Adeaqla is Al Qaeda backwards, run by reverse Bin Laden. Nuclear Regulatory Commission needs you, or someone like you, to think before handing out permits to buy nuclear material. General Accounting Office deserves credit for running a sting that results in today's headline: A NUCLEAR RUSE UNCOVERS HOLE IN US SECURITY. GAO is controlled by Congress, great to see the two party system at work again, and a GAO sting operation used against our own government - wow- could lead to retaliation and a string of exciting headlines. As Good As News can't wait.

Show Tonight

Today' s post will be brief as I'm getting ready for tonight's appearance at Carolines.

NY Time's item on a virtual fence under construction along the Mexican border reminds me of the old Emily Litella routine Gilda Radner did on Saturday Night Live.

This fence is horrible, how can they put collars on all the Mexicans or how will they know which Mexicans or is it just the ones they deport so they aren't catching the same ones over and over.

----No Emily that's an invisible fence, ICE (fka INS) is building a virtual fence.

Science Times devotes entire section to developments in our understanding of evolution, achieved by applying genetics, embryology etc. As the story on paradigm shift points out, evolutionary theory still evolving. Hope for creationists? Always room to see hand of God in the workings of nature, but no real theoretical comfort here for anyone who needs to believe in the biblical story of creation as a literal. scientific fact. However, multidisciplinary efforts produce practical benefits for creationists as Creation Science keeps up with the times. Oral Roberts and Liberty U now posting for Creationist geneticists, embryologists, etc.