Doc Gurby Rides Again

Turkmenistan: April is April Again: President Doc Gurby has returned Turkmenistan to the Gregorian calendar, reversing the unique calendar devised by his predecessor Niyazov, who had named the months after himself and his family. Turkmens are no doubt relieved that Turkmenistan has taken yet another step on the road back to sanity under the steady hand of Doc Gurby.

As the official blog of Turkmenistan, As Good As News must grudgingly give kudos where kudos are due. After a year of incessant mocking from As Good As News, the Times has finally printed an item on Turkmenistan without using "reclusive" or "hermetic" and without engaging in a speculative assault on Doc Gurby based on what the Times thinks he might, or might not, do in the future. Today's item was actually a news report, not a misplaced editorial. Yes, the terms "bizarre" and "elaborate cult of personality" did make unfortunate appearances. There's just something about a Turkmenistan story that makes the Times uncontrollably frisky. In this case, however, former President Niyazov and his colorful calendar were appropriate targets and the fallout didn't contaminate Doc Gurby or the proud people of Turkmenistan.

Time's Root Canal for Doc Gurby

Who speaks for the Turkmens? It's not easy, but As Good As News remains ever vigilant as the official blog of Turkmenistan.

Turkmens Curtail Cult Surrounding Ex-Leader - Reporter Michael Schwirtz covers Turkmenistan President Doc Gurby's decision abolishing a national holiday established to worship his dictatorial predecessor Niyazov. The Times uses this positive news as an excuse to launch another unprovoked attack on Doc Gurby. While the story spends a few words summarizing developments under the Gurby administration - Gurby, a former dentist with a name so long we have vowed never to type it again, has reformed education, courted foreign investment, eased Internet restrictions and called for greater human rights - the bulk of this short piece trashes Doc for not turning Turkmenistan into a free market democracy in a year.

Kudos Mr. Schwirtz, you managed to complete your root canal without once using "reclusive" thereby establishing the NY Times record, but going to the thesaurus for "hermetic" to accompany the ever popular "authoritarian" is not the answer. Next time write a news story - Doc Gurby ends Niyazov Day and does not replace it with Gurby day - full stop - without including an additional ten paragraphs of your opinion, buttressed by your hand picked experts, that Doc Gurby has failed to turn Turkmenistan into Switzerland quickly enough to suit you.

While the story opens with the abolished holiday, the bulk of the purported news piece reports what Doc has not done. This painful operation starts with the objective "unclear whether reforms will lead to... or simply a recasting of the ubiquitous statues of the former leader in his own image". Why is this unclear, Mr.Schwirtz, according to your own facts the holiday was reduced to a celebration of flag day - there was no announcement of a new Gurby Day. Are you reporting or predicting? Why not speculate on authoritarian China's possible return to a cult of personality each time a statue of Chairman Mao keels over.

Carefully selected opinion is then used to complete the operation with no anaesthesia. "We are not seeing any radical systematic change", " reforms are cosmetic", "He wants a type of free country with market economy, but he doesn't understand what that is." Where is the quote that says "The President is moving cautiously, but each change he makes is a step in the right direction." How about, "Turkmenistan went from a feudal system caught in the middle ages to a far flung, downtrodden outpost in the authoritarian Soviet empire to the plaything of a deranged dictator. There is no history of democracy, free press or market economy. To announce a free market democracy without laying an institutional groundwork might make the Times happy, but it would doom Turkmenistan to another generation of sorrow."

Headline Crawl 2

As seems to be the case every day lately, the comic opportunites presented by the NY Times are overwhelming my limited time - and I'm retired with nothing else to do. All we can squeeze in is a quick run through of page A1, with one extra item that was too good to miss:

Harvard Student is Given Extra Exam Time to Pump Breast Milk - Since when has Harvard offered a course in breast milk pumping? When is it taught, is it co-ed, can non-enrolled students audit and attend the final exam?

Blackwater Logs Most Shootings of Firms in Iraq - The other contractors are doing their best, just give them time to get up to speed. Only Blackwater has reached the point where it is taking out entire firms instead of just isolated private citizens. (note - this flaw was repaired in the title for the linked e-story, quoted title is from the hard copy Times).

GM-Union Deal Could End Business As Usual In Detroit - Business as usual ended for Detroit in the late 1960s. Try visiting downtown after dark. As for the auto industry, defeasing health care obligations to a funded trust was a win-win idea. GM gets a load off its financial statements, UAW members get to look to a funded trust for future benefits instead of a shrinking payor that might fail someday. The mini-strike was probably needed to give the plan credibility with UAW members, but it was no sell out, just Union leadership with vision.

Myanmar Attacks Protesters, Arresting Monks - OK, so Doc Gurby of Turkmenistan is crazy but Myanmar is just conducting business as usual when it attacks arresting monks? Why were these monks so arresting anyway? Yes, that Britney Spear, Sinead O'Connor shaved head look can be a real head turner. (e-headline changed to "Raids Monasteries"- curse you Time's editors - why do you fix these mistakes before I'm finished making fun of them.) Myanmar sounds like a chocolate coated, marshmallow filled treat sold only in Summer. Besides getting some leadership that's not a military junta with a stone-age mindset, this country needs a branding makeover, starting with a new name. Burma has a nice ring to it.

Time. Pencils down. Stop. This means you Mr. Borrok. Stop or I'll be forced to report you. I don't care who your father is, you must stop writing immediately.

Turkmenistan Rising (but it was a close call)

U.S. Courts the Visiting President of Turkmenistan - Victory is ours! The United States rolls out the red carpet for Turkmenistan's President, Gurbanguly Burdymukhammedov - that's right, our Doc Gurby. Why? Maybe it's because Turkmenistan has at least three trillion meters of natural gas in the ground. Maybe it's because anyone who can make it in politics with that name must be doing something right. Doc Gurby gets lunch with Condi Rice, a tour of the NYSE (pictured - Doc is on the left) and, praise the Lord, a long awaited taste of unbiased coverage from the NY Times: "Under Mr. Niyazov, Turkmenistan was among the world's most insular countries. Mr. Burdymukhammedov, since taking over in February, has begun to open it to outside influences. " Kudos to the U.S. for realizing Doc is a reasonable guy who wants to do the right thing for the Turkmen when it comes to selling natural gas. Kudos to Doc, who, at the very least, is letting the Russians and Chinese know there are other players in the gas game while he burnishes the Turkmen image by getting out and about in NY. Kudos to David L. Stern who opened a new chapter in the NY Times coverage.

Kudos to As Good As News, who turned the Times around with a desperate round of 1:00 AM comments last night. What almost happened? Let's go back to the beginning. On July 19 the Times ran a snide story by C.J. Chivers, "Behold Turkmenistan's Marvels! (Authorized Version)" mocking the secretive and authoritarian regime created by Doc's predecessor. Unfortunately the piece was obsolete before it was written and failed to note that every change made by Doc Gurby had been a step in the right direction. As Good As News responded, naturally - we are the official blog of reclusive Turkmenistan - in one of our all time favorite posts (July 19, titled To The Ramparts Turkmen - visit the post and you will get the link the the Chivers story as well.) This quieted Mr. Chivers, but, as we learned late last night, it did not erase the damage already done. On Monday Doc Gurby appeared at the Columbia World Leader's Forum - he was the warm up act for Ahmadinejad - played a boosterish video on Turkmen education and fumbled when he sounded less than clear and forthright in dodging a couple of questions on freedom of the press in Turkmenistan. Sure, he should have consulted with As Good As News before the show, but, no big deal, right?

Not to Jane Roh, writing for National Journal.com/The Gate, who took this non-event, combined it with material from the Chivers article (which was about the Turkmenistan created by Doc's predecessor) and came up with the headline "Another Potentially Crazy World Leader..." - really Ms Roh? Because he inherited leadership of a country with no free press and had trouble ad libbing an explation that met with your approval, he must be crazy? Yes , Ms Roh, I note that Turkmenistan has minted some coins with Doc Gurby's image - wake up, he's only the President - and you were stretching mightily if that's the only "crazy" action by Gurby you could find. By the way, he was a practicing dentist and university professor before joining the government, not a "dental student." Is he crazy because, while speaking at Columbia, he announced freedom for 9,000 prisoners and an expanded Turkmenistan amnesty program, but couldn't respond with details to a question about two specific prisoners? Will W's successor know the names of everyone in Guantanamo in February 2009? Was it the confused English in portions of the RFE/RL quotes that seemed crazy, Ms Roh? A cheap shot, how polished would you sound if you had to handle hostile questions while speaking Turkmen?

To compound the disaster, The Lede, an official NY Times blog, ran with the "potentially crazy" quote and a rehash of the lowlights from the Jane Roh post. So, in a self referential circle jerk, the NY Times blog The Lede is now calling Doc Gurby crazy based on Jane Roh's fit of non-analysis which rests, in turn, on the CJ Chivers NY Times piece that was obsolete the day it ran. If you actually read the facts (instead of the snarky asides and the misleading headlines) in the Chivers piece or the National Journal/The Gate post or the RFE/RL report it is clear that Doc Gurby has done nothing crazy. He hasn't tried to make revolutionary changes overnight, but every change Doc has undertaken has improved Turkmenistan. As Good As News made this point repeatedly in an heroic late night comment session, paving the way for the Times turnaround in Mr. Stern's article this AM. It's not easy being the official blog of reclusive Turkmenistan, but somebody has to do it.

Are Your Friends Contagious?

I just returned from a two week road trip and blog vacation to find a very disturbing phone message. Apparently ottoman humping and beer guzzling are not in keeping with the solemn dignity of the Turkmen people and any further lapse will result in loss of our hard-earned status as the official blog of Reclusive Turkmenistan. My efforts to defend As Good As News in a return call led only to confusion. The Turkmen view the Ottoman as ancient opressors and are only too happy to see them humped, but not on a video accompanied by non-traditional music. The fact that As Good As News broke the story before the Daily Show elicited only the rhetorical question: if John Stewart were going to leap from the Brooklyn Bridge would you jump first? Turkmen prefer fermented goats milk to beer and are only vaguely familiar with the Western concept of the six pack. Fortunately, Doc Gurby was intrigued by the Death Cat, wanted to know if the cat could predict political assassinations as well as death from natural causes.

Barry Bonds finally caught Hank Aaron. This was inevitable, the only news is that it didn't happen sooner. Roger Maris never deserved his asterisk. The fact that the season was extended from 154 to 162 games effected many records, but only Roger was singled out for an asterisk. Like many observers, As Good As News would be happy to shift that asterisk next to Barry's name, but let's take it a step further. The official record book should go online, with comment threads for every record. What would the Babe have done if he had not spent years as a pitcher and started playing in the dead ball era? Suppose Ted Williams had not lost several prime years to military service in two wars. What if Junior Griffey had stayed healthier? The official on-line record book of MLB would create more buzz than the Maguire-Sosa home run race - now there's an asterisk fest.

Obesity can spread from friend to friend like a virus according to a study published in The New England Journal of Medicine. Other effects of behaviour may also spread, even amplify, as they travel across a network of friends. The cause of this phenomenon is not certain. Could lead to a whole new approach in selecting friends. Imagine , a new format in Face Book with extended questions on habits and outcomes, good and bad. Not just body type, drinking and smoking - do you study and work hard, get good grades, eat healthy, have a history of heart disease, etc. Picking a roommate could become a life choice. So, if I make friends only with thin, workaholic teetotalers will I reform? Not a chance - either I drag the new friends down with me or I get bored and go back to my old gang before I get any "benefit" from associating with the new friends. I'm sure all my friends would feel the same way. Strangely I have not received a single e-mail or phone call since this story was published. But I'm sure none of my friends would dump me for some thin guy.

Big News in Small Print

Still no word from Ashgabat on recognition for As Good As News as the official blog of Turkmenistan. No news not good news, or even good enough. As Good As News hereby provisionally declares itself the official blog of Turkmenistan, subject to revocation on notice from Turkmenistan's beloved President, Dr. Gurby.

The biggest news in the NY Times today is in very small print, just below the weather in the upper right hand corner. The price went up by 25%, from $1 to $1.25. For this kind of money I expect better news. Not just better coverage, that would be unlikely but not impossible. As Good As News actually expects better news for its exta $.25, a thick paper filled with progress and happy endings every single day. Close reading of today's Times does not suggest any movement in this direction, but it's only day 1 of the new price structure. Maybe a stiff letter to the editor will get things moving.

While the Times is busy charging something extra for nothing more the Washington Post is moving in the right direction. Today it introduced a "hyperlocal" website covering Loudoun County, Virginia. This site will carry important news, like a mail box getting knocked over. I just finished posting a hyperlocal item - the kind of story everyone wants, local flavor with a happy ending. Neighbors walked dog, dog pooped, all arrived home safely.

THE HAND THAT CONTROLS THE SOCK PUPPET COULD GET SLAPPED - "Sock-Puppeting" or better yet, sock puppetry - fantastic term, sounds like an obscure sexual practice that is still a felony in the deep South. The real definition is almost as good, self-promoting internet postings using a false identity to conceal the poster's self interest from the reader. Sock puppetry proved irresistible to Lord Black, Hollinger CEO now convicted fraudster, and Whole Foods CEO John Mackey. Both undoubtedly got sick of lawyers telling them to limit public comments and, in classic CEO think, decided on their own that they could say anythng they wanted so long as they lied about their identity. As Good As News would be outraged but for fact that selected As Good As News posts have been ghostwritten by US Ambassador from Turkmenistan, private equity tax lobbyist and counsel to Scooter Libby.

Adeaqla Ltd CEO Nedalnib Announces Nuke Start-Up

-No word yet on continuing effort by As Good As News to become the official blog of Turkmenistan.

-EX-WHITE HOUSE AIDE SAYS BUSH WASN'T INVOLVED IN ATTORNEY FIRINGS - Of course not, W probably on vacation that week. We call it the Cheney-Rove-W regime for a reason. Darth and Karl only too happy to get something done without having to waste time answering foolish questions from the Decider. Former political director Sara Taylor, above, was able to say three things about US Attorney dismissals - Bush not involved, I didn't do it and no wrongdoing by anyone - but specifics withheld on grounds of executive privilege. This irritated the Democrats on Senate Judiciary Committee, but Arlen Specter says not to worry about contempt charges because Sara was doing her best. A long time Rove aid, Ms Taylor seems to have kindly Uncle Arlen wrapped around her finger, but she wasn't quite so nice when dumping "lazy" prosecutors because they followed the rules instead of the Rove political agenda.

-FOR PARKING SPOT THE PRICE IS RIGHT AT $56,250 A TIRE - The $225,000 parking space on West 17th Street looks like an easy comedic target, but As Good As News knows better. To value the space realistically you need to live with a car in Manhattan and try the alternatives. Move your car every morning at 7AM to stay on the right side of alternate side parking rules, if you can find a space on the good side. Park near the river for less, take two subways and a hike if you ever want to actually use your own car. Forget owning and rent, but wait until you see the line on a holiday weekend. So $225,000 is already looking better, but now consider the kicker. Do not overlook the potential for development as an indoor swimming pool. STUDY PREDICTS FLOODS IN THE CITY IF THE CLIMATE GETS WARMER.

Adeaqla Limited announces plans to construct nuclear facility in Lehigh Valley. Permits granted and procurement already underway as CEO Nedalnib predicts explosive growth for start up operation. Kudos if you noticed Adeaqla is Al Qaeda backwards, run by reverse Bin Laden. Nuclear Regulatory Commission needs you, or someone like you, to think before handing out permits to buy nuclear material. General Accounting Office deserves credit for running a sting that results in today's headline: A NUCLEAR RUSE UNCOVERS HOLE IN US SECURITY. GAO is controlled by Congress, great to see the two party system at work again, and a GAO sting operation used against our own government - wow- could lead to retaliation and a string of exciting headlines. As Good As News can't wait.

Paging Doctor Gurby

--------------------------------------------------SURGEON GENERAL SEES FOUR YEAR TERM AS COMPROMISED -Former Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona (left) whined to Congress yesterday that a swarm of gnats at the Cheney-Rove-W regime would not let him speak or write about stem cells, emergency contraception, sex education, mental health issues, prison health issues or global health issues. Doctor "Bad" Carmona served in Army Special Forces in Viet Nam, earned two purple hearts, ran the Pima County Swat Team and works as a trauma surgeon. Doc - you should have known that Bushies are mostly Jerry Falwell U grads - very uncomfortable around non-creationist science and medicine and always on-message, even if the faith based message is do not help Special Olympics - handicapped deserve God's wrath for getting involved with liberal dems. Doc, you needed to take the lead. Surgeon General's job is to educate the public, hard to do this wearing a gag. What was the worst thing that could have happened if you had done your job? You could have been fired. Wake up - you are a surgeon, prolonged unemployment not likely. Even now you are playing silly games, dancing around the obvious fact that the Kennedys are identified with the Special Olympics and refusing to name Bushy names in open session. Surgeon General not quite the same as an army general, you are supposed to identify public health priorities and alert the public, not just follow orders. One last chance to get off Team Moron and help your successor to do the job right - name some names in public. Too late to be an adequate Surgeon General, but, afraid to say the name Kennedy?? Doc, at this point you are embarassing Army special forces.-------------------------------------------------------------------------

-HEROIN SEIZES TURKMENISTAN, A NATION ILL EQUIPPED TO COPE - Turkmenistan suffers a plague of heroin addiction, the result of access to cheap heroin and head in the sand approach by the previous government. But As Good As News knows what to look for in every Turkmenistan story and we are not disappointed. First, the NY Times has, yet again, proven itself incapable of printing the name Turkmenistan without the adjective "reclusive". Perhaps Times thinks it is part of the name. Second, it's President Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov (pictured top right) to the rescue once again. Turkmenistan's President is a dentist and former senior health official (and from now on he is Doc Gurby to As Good As News readers - I will never type that name again). He has already publicly recognized the serious problem his predecessor ignored, noted the need for a large scale war on drugs and signed Turkmenistan on for an HIV prevention program.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, if we could do it all over again, who is your pick for Surgeon General, who is the real health pro, Doctor "Bad" Carmona or Doc Gurby?

Always Lede with the Pirate Joke

What a day, Turkmenistan redux and a Clam War between NY and NJ featuring a pirate joke, sometimes As Good As News just writes itself.

Kudos to over 4,000 new citizens sworn in yesterday. I would like to see the Disney World ceremony some year. And to Univision, for its successful radio and TV campaign promoting naturalization - Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!

Clam wars - exit strategy wanted. Dateline 2007 - New York Department of Conservation officers use "military grade speedboats" (I have a military grade pocket knife) in crackdown on New Jersey clammers who drift across invisible line into New York waters. Dateline 1862 - "four New Jersey men were accused of piracy after they seized a New York clamming vessel on the Raritan Bay. Their defense, The New York Times reported (sorry - no additional link here, this report was in the 1862 NY Times - no limit to how hard we will look for a good pirate joke) , was that “the sloop was engaged in an unlawful infraction of the piscatorial and bivalvular rights of New Jersey."" As Good As News always on the side of Pirates and who can resist a good bivalvularrr (matey) rights argument - so back off NY... and return Liberty Island to New Jersey while you're at it.

NY Times story of June 21, 2007 led with characterization of Turkmenistan as "reclusive and authoritarian". As Good As News questioned this (see post of June 21, also sent to NY Times as letter to the editor)- objective reporting or a misunderstood recluse created by the media itself, a media afraid to mention Turkmenistan President Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov because they are intimidated by the mere prospect of spelling his name. Today's "Murky Isolation" headline was more of the same. For those using the electronic link, please note that the headline in the hard copy of today's NY Times uses "Murky Isolation", but bias so obvious that it has already been edited out of the Times on-line. The voice of As Good As News is not just powerful but extremely fast working. Copy under the headline tells a different story. President Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov (pronounced gur-BAHN-goo-lee bair-dee-mukh-ha-MAY-doff, well that certainly made life easier) is hanging his own portrait all over town (recluse? - no way, the man is a publicity fiend). He's letting the internet into Turkmenistan and telling police to be nicer at the many security checkpoints (scenic security check points apparently a quaint local custom). So Turkmenistan President not reclusive at all and less authoritarian than his predecessor - wake up Times - do not judge a book by its title just because you can't pronounce it.

Kudos to MIT for studies that shed necessary light on hidden facts -witness today's story on airline stats that don't show real time lost in missed connections and yesterday's piece on Associate Prof. Amy Finkelstein's work demonstrating that toll rates soar once an automatic toll payment mechanism, like my beloved EZ Pass, has been in place for a few years. I will donate to MIT again this year even though my children are no longer possible admissions candidates.

As Good As News Announcement - Posts may be irregular over the next few days, will be back on schedule by Monday at latest.

Taxes Are Death - To Comics and Journalists

I watched a young comic die a horrible death at an open mic night last week. He took the stage with a good premise, a Richie Rich family schemes to ensure the death of its ailing patriarch in 2010 - not before and not after - because 2010 is the one year in which there will be no estate tax due to some odd Congressional machinations. The idea was to use the estate tax as a springboard into a very extended weekend at Bernie's. The crowd went into stunned silence at the first mention of estate tax and never recovered. If you need to explain a joke, it's not funny.

Today's NY Times runs a page 1 story on an end to tax breaks for hedge funds. Like most tax stories in general periodicals, it repeats buzzwords like tax break, hedge fund, wealthy financier, but never attempts to explain the fundamental question. This is not a story I have followed, but I hope a short example captures the basics. Ace, an expert investment manager, and Benny, a retiree who wants to spend all his time on the beach at the Jersey shore, start a partnership. Ace invests only one cent, but he will do all the work. Benny invests $100. If the partnership has profits, Ace will get 20% (known as a carried interest), Benny 80%. After much research, including tasting, Ace buys a barrel of single malt scotch whiskey for the partnership. The partnership holds it for ten years and sells at a big profit. Is Ace's share earned income, because it's compensation he received for managing the partnership, or is it long-term capital gain, because the whiskey was a capital asset the partnership held for a long time?

If you don't like the answer capital gain you can call it a tax break, but this is not some new loophole, it has been the law for decades. Most hedge funds will have short-term gains so the answer won't matter much to them, the impact is greater on private equity firms. Like many tax issues, it will effect wealthy financiers, but even some Mom & Pop partnerships have carried interests for a working partner. Loaded terminology with no real explanation avoids the question. Which answer, earned income or capital gain, best serves the competing interests in any tax question: raise revenue; strive for simplicity, consistency and stability; and don't disrupt the incentives needed to make a capitalist economy work? Is this too complicated for the reader...or for the reporter? If you need to explain a story, find a way to do so.

In a related story, love the lede on "reclusive and authoritarian Turkmenistan" - is President Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov really reclusive? Maybe he can't get any coverage because media fears misspelling, mispronouncing that incredible name.