Monday, August 13, 2007

1984

A Case So Shielded One Side Is in the Dark - Jon Eisenberg, a lawyer representing an Islamic charity and other clients suing the US government for illegal surveillance, wrote his appellate brief under Orwellian circumstances. In his words,

"Yesterday, under the auspices and control of my litigation adversaries, at their offices and on their computer, I wrote a brief of which I was not allowed to keep a copy, responding to arguments which I was not permitted to see, which will be met by a reply which I will not be permitted to see."

It's like the poor guy is subject to the Eisenberg uncertainty principle.

If you try the link above you will see that the case is so secret it was moved to Time's select, you can't even read the news story without special clearance. Also note the suspicious absence of pictures.

Similar cases have been dismissed because the plaintiff could not prove surveillance without discovery in the litigation, or claim a specific injury resulting from surveillance. Mr Eisenberg's client is an unusual position, it claims the US Treasury bungled, mistakenly giving the plaintiff a classified document that showed it was under surveillance.. The government's approach is heads I win - if plaintiff doesn't have specific knowledge of illegal surveillance the case must be dismissed, tails you lose - if plaintiff does know about illegal surveillance then the case must still be dismissed because state secrets are privileged and cannot be revealed at trial. The Orwellian brief writing process was an effort to minimize the chance any secret would be disclosed, because the court has not (at least not yet) accepted the "tails you lose" argument. If the government prevails then the executive branch could, in theory, break any law, classify it's actions as secret and avoid any judicial review of those actions.

If only AG Albert Gonzales had been around to help Nixon with Watergate.

Of course 1984 was written by a Brit in Burma inspired by Stalin, and by the British colonial bureaucracy, and the US may still be on the low end of the 1984 scale. In China, Party Animal Hu Jintao is introducing a pilot security program in Shenzhen, a city of 12.4 Million people. Most citizens will be required to carry an ID card with chip carrying data on work history, education, religion, ethnicity, police record, insurance, reproductive history, etc. The same city is installing 20,000 surveillance cameras and sophisticated software to recognize crime suspects and "unusual" activity. Do not fear gentle people of Shenzen, Party Animal just wants to know where you are on Saturday night, you never know when you'll get a last minute invitation - to Rave Gulag. US and European firms are providing software, hardware nce, and financing for the prime Chinese contracto, no one can resist the lure of the massive Chinese market, but these firms may be securing a place at the head of the line in some future walk of shame.

And then there is Burma itself. Myanmar remains one of the most oppressive regimes anywhere, so bleak for so long that it rarely even makes the news. Htein Lin, a Burmese political prisoner who painted surreptitiously on sarongs donated by his fellow prisoners now has an exhibition in London. Lin was sentenced to seven years, although he did nothing - a friend mentioned his name in a letter as a possible recruit for a political organization.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Brand Death


Product Packages Now Shout to Grab Your Fickle Attention - Consumer goods companies now use packages as ads, including frequent packaging changes, the addition of sound chips and other features. Tomorrow I will be reading a NY Times with headlines in TYPE LIKE THIS while drinking a Coke from a rectangular bottle. What's happening here, last week every business problem was presented as a branding issue. It reached the point where business jargon was becoming even more obscure than usual. How do the gurus of brand discipline explain the trend to new and ever shifting packaging? Of course some of it is functional, the tissue box that matches your decor, the gum dispenser that fits in your cup holder, the toilet paper that offers a choice of left or right handed. But there is more afoot than function. Is the consumer's attention span so short now that it's pointless to use packaging consistency as a branding tool? Some products just don't brand - pity the unwary Mountain Dew buyer duped by constantly changing packaging - "yech, now I remember, this is the stuff that reminded me of urine when it was in a clear bottle". Sound chips are still at the gimmick stage and a dangerous gimmick it is. A package of cheese that talks is just asking for trouble if it can't keep its yap shut in the 3AM danger zone - this will only confuse the crystal meth addled shopper. Imagine the scene from a convenience store:
"I go well with Triscuits"
"What the f...."
"I go well with Triscuits"
"Are you talking to me?"
"I go well with Triscuits"
..................................

And the ensuing morning news:
"Two clerks were wounded and a package of cheese severely mutilated in an unprovoked attack at a local 7-11 early this morning. Police were at a loss, noting only that robbery was not the motive as the assailant fled empty handed - banging his head shouting "Cheese Devil, Cheese Devil, Cheese Devil...."

Thursday, August 9, 2007

I'd Say Mediocre

The Big Wind That Left Brooklyn Upside Down? It Was A Tornado All Right - As Good As News eyed this story eagerly, fully prepared to do a Damon Runyanesque bit on a Mafioso social club from Bay Ridge transported to Kansas, or maybe to Christine Todd Whitman's lawn in the Somerset Hills of NJ. Then came the last line, kudos to Brooklyn, which writes its own story and to reporter Andy Newman, who found it. Retired firefighter Howard Rinchey assessed the damage, his roof ripped up, his picnic table upside down in his neighbors yard, "..for this type of tornado [Brooklyn has had no other tornado since record keeping began in 1950]..I'd say mediocre."

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Hello Kitty

Cute Kitty is Pink Badge of Shame in Bangkok, but what about NY or SF? - Police in Bangkok who commit minor infractions (littering, parking in a no-parking zone) will be required to wear a pink armband with a Hello Kitty face and a pair of linked hearts. Brilliant, so brilliant that the mere threat of the pink Hello Kitty has eliminated bad behaviour and no one has been kittied yet. A previous incarnation of the same idea featuring a tartan arm band failed miserably - naughty cops would wear it for a day then take it home as a souvenir. The prospect of sporting Hello Kitty appears to hold special terrors for the macho psyche. Would it work in NY? Probably not as well, the police here may be tough but they understand irony and would display Little Kitty with a grin. The concept might still work with a little fine tuning. What if the Police Commissioner went berserk, and used the Department's homophobia against it? Maybe a rainbow armband with a pink triangle would give NYPD bad boys second thoughts. One thing is certain - if Commissioner Bud Selig had issued a rainbow/pink triangle armband every time he had reason to believe a major league baseball player was using steroids the game would have cleaned up its act a decade ago and Barry Bonds would have hit number 656 last night.

Abuses Belie China Pledge on Rights, Critics Say - A group of human rights organizations accused China of harassing lawyers, dissidents and journalists and reneging on promises to make human rights a centerpiece of the 2008 Olympics. Organizations included Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, etc. - the usual suspects. As Good As News, naturally, agrees with the good guys, but really, what did you expect? Even Jay Leno harasses lawyers, dissidents and journalists. For Party Animal Hu Jintao this is not oppression, it's a recreational activity. So what if China made a few promises to get the Olympics, every Party Animal says things at night he can't remember in the morning. In another effort to capitalize on publicity surrounding the one year count down to the Olympics, a group of Chinese scholars, lawyers and journalists wrote an open letter to Party Animal calling for the release of political prisoners. This letter had dozens of signers, a courageous group indeed. One signatory is Bao Tong, a former party leader now under house arrest. Mia Farrow, Madonna and Angelina Jolie are not offering to exchange places with Bao Tong - Only Africa is in, America is still looking the other way on problems in China.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

My Back Pages


Snow Leopard Pelts Seized - Hu Jintao, China's President, General Secretary of the Communist Party and Chairman of the Central Military Commission (familiar to As Good As News readers as Party Animal) has a real love for rare cats and a genuine conservationist streak. Police seized 104 snow leopard pelts from a trader in Gansu, China. Active enforcement will protect the endangered snow leopard, and those seized pelts will certainly look terrific in Party Animal's den.

Farrow Offers to Take Sudan Prisoner's Place- Mia Farrow offered to exchange places with Suleiman Jamous, a coordinator for the Darfur rebel group Sudan Liberation Army now being held a virtual prisoner at a UN hospital in Kordofan, East of Darfur. Jamous needs a stomach biopsy which cannot be performed there, but he will be arrested if he leaves. As Good As News understands that Woody Allen has offered to cover all transportation costs if Sudan will accept Ms Farrow's offer. Angelina Jolie and Madonna have both announced their support for Ms Farrow's publicity stunt, oops, I meant courageous gesture, and are rumored to be racing to get out the first press release offering to exchange places with a jailed African leader, as soon as they can identify one.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Fake Steve Unveiled

A Mystery Solved: Fake Steve is an Editor - The author of the Secret Diary of Steve Jobs is Daniel Lyons, a 46 year old Forbe's Editor who lives near Boston, far from Silicon Valley. Kudos to Mr. Lyons on a funny, well executed satire. Fake Steve is known for humorous egomaniacal rants and insulting nick names like Beastmaster (Bill Gates) and Squirrel Boy (Eric Schmidt of Google). Fake Steve is inspiring and instructional. As Good As News has used cute nicknames in the past like Doc Gurby and Darth Cheney, but we will learn from Fake Steve.

Boxers Who Disappeared are Taken Back to Cuba - If they disappeared how could anyone take them back? This isn't a headline about a magic act. Two champion boxers from Cuba failed to show up for their scheduled fights in the Pan Am Games last month then turned up on Thursday drinking and carousing at a resort near Rio. The situation was confused by an announcement from a German promoter that he had signed the boxers to contracts, but the boxers were deported back to Cuba. Fidel says the boxers will be held in "guest houses" and "punished, but not harshly." The Brazilian police say the boxers actually wanted to return to Cuba, so maybe it will work out for them. As Good As News thinks they are about to discover what disappeared really means. As this story is written Fidel is telling Raoul - "even if I die I want you to make sure that these ungrateful traitors never leave Cuba again."

Chinese President Hu Jintao (aka Party Animal) can't believe his eyes. Yet another front page headline on dangerous lead content of made-in China toys. What will it take to get these Western journalists off his case. Party Animal already whacked Zheng Xiaoyu (very former head of Chinese FDA ) after that little fiasco with the antifreeze in the toothpaste grabbed some headlines, but the Western media still won't shut up. Party Animal looking to blame this one on Santa Claus, but if that doesn't work - watch out. It's not always easy to find the right scapegoat though, look for someone who has opposed Party Animal in the past and has no connections with Party Animal's friends in the toy industry. Hey Party Animal - no one said it would be easy to look like you were running a government of laws without actually doing it.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Are Your Friends Contagious?

I just returned from a two week road trip and blog vacation to find a very disturbing phone message. Apparently ottoman humping and beer guzzling are not in keeping with the solemn dignity of the Turkmen people and any further lapse will result in loss of our hard-earned status as the official blog of Reclusive Turkmenistan. My efforts to defend As Good As News in a return call led only to confusion. The Turkmen view the Ottoman as ancient opressors and are only too happy to see them humped, but not on a video accompanied by non-traditional music. The fact that As Good As News broke the story before the Daily Show elicited only the rhetorical question: if John Stewart were going to leap from the Brooklyn Bridge would you jump first? Turkmen prefer fermented goats milk to beer and are only vaguely familiar with the Western concept of the six pack. Fortunately, Doc Gurby was intrigued by the Death Cat, wanted to know if the cat could predict political assassinations as well as death from natural causes.

Barry Bonds finally caught Hank Aaron. This was inevitable, the only news is that it didn't happen sooner. Roger Maris never deserved his asterisk. The fact that the season was extended from 154 to 162 games effected many records, but only Roger was singled out for an asterisk. Like many observers, As Good As News would be happy to shift that asterisk next to Barry's name, but let's take it a step further. The official record book should go online, with comment threads for every record. What would the Babe have done if he had not spent years as a pitcher and started playing in the dead ball era? Suppose Ted Williams had not lost several prime years to military service in two wars. What if Junior Griffey had stayed healthier? The official on-line record book of MLB would create more buzz than the Maguire-Sosa home run race - now there's an asterisk fest.

Obesity can spread from friend to friend like a virus according to a study published in The New England Journal of Medicine. Other effects of behaviour may also spread, even amplify, as they travel across a network of friends. The cause of this phenomenon is not certain. Could lead to a whole new approach in selecting friends. Imagine , a new format in Face Book with extended questions on habits and outcomes, good and bad. Not just body type, drinking and smoking - do you study and work hard, get good grades, eat healthy, have a history of heart disease, etc. Picking a roommate could become a life choice. So, if I make friends only with thin, workaholic teetotalers will I reform? Not a chance - either I drag the new friends down with me or I get bored and go back to my old gang before I get any "benefit" from associating with the new friends. I'm sure all my friends would feel the same way. Strangely I have not received a single e-mail or phone call since this story was published. But I'm sure none of my friends would dump me for some thin guy.