If Only, Thinks Larry Craig

High Rolling Right Past Las Vegas - The Venetian in Macao opens today with three canals. OK, so the Vegas Venetian has only one canal, at least it's not polluted.

Senator, Arrested in an Airport Bathroom, Pleads Guilty - Senator Larry E. Craig, Republican of Idaho, was arrested in June by an undercover police office in a men's bathroom at Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport and plead guilty three weeks ago to disorderly conduct charges. He seems to be scrambling, PR wise, now that Roll Call broke the story. The undercover policeman in the stall adjoining Craig's reports that Craig tapped his foot in "a well known signal to engage in lewd conduct." Apparently tapping wasn't enough, Craig went on to brush the officer's foot, then wave his hand under the stall divider several times before his arrest. Now that it's public Craig is saying (and thinking):

-I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct. (I wasn't bothering anybody. Everyone knows that bathroom is a gay rendezvous, why else would they have a cop in there? I swear that prick tapped back or I never would have brushed his foot - it was entrapment.)

-I should not have plead guilty. I was trying to handle the matter myself and expeditiously. (I just shut my eyes and pretended it would all go away. Now I'm ruined. If I had just thought it over I could have told them I was only trying to borrow some toilet paper.)

-I said it was "completely ridiculous" when those snarky homosexuals tried to out me last year and I still do. (Damn, if only I had known this was going to come out - the story I mean, not me. I should have said I thought I was in the ladies room.)

Wolverine Stew

Michigan Joins the Race For a "Me First" Primary -

"Michigan has been bellyaching for years, far more vociferously than any other state, about Iowa and New Hampshire going first, Mr Ballenger said. Michigan is saying, "We"ve had it, we're going Jan 15, we're going to trump everyone.""

New Hampshire Governor John Lynch announced the results of an emergency joint session of the New Hampshire Legislature held last night: "New Hampshire sneers at Michigan and announces its primary will be held tomorrow, assuring continuation of its historical primary primacy for the 2008 election. The New Hampshire primary for the 2012 election has now been set for Nov. 11, 2008. "

Iowa announced the results of the caucuses that were secretly held late last night. Hillary Clinton wins with a beer and champagne coalition of union leaders and intellectuals who said they might have considered Obama if he had taken the time to get to know Iowa. Obama was stunned, "I had months of campaigning scheduled for Iowa - how could they move the caucus without even telling the candidates?" Mike Huckabee squeezed out a shocking upset in a Republican vote that was scattered almost evenly over six candidates. Veteran GOP delegate Earl E. Byrd said he went with Huckabee because the other Republicans didn't even pretend to have a sense of humor, adding, "That Guliani guy was downright scary when he got angry - I thought he was going to blow his hair right off his own head, but the real losers are those pricks from Michigan - this ought to poke them in the eye with a sharp stick, and if we need to go retroactive with our next caucus - we will! "

U.S. Group Accuses Chinese Toy Factories of Labor Abuses - "China Labor Watch, which is based in New York, said that it had investigated eight Chinese factories over the last year and discovered widespread labor violations, including the hiring of under-age workers, mandatory overtime, unsafe working conditions and managers who engaged in verbal abuse and sexual harassment." Chinese leader Hu Jinatao, known endearingly to As Good As News readers as Party Animal, yawned – he had just returned from a long night of clubbing -– and said it was time for the do gooders and the Western media to get off China' s back. “We are a government of laws” said Party Animal, “we are a newly developed country and we will learn about safety and workers' rights once we have established global leadership in toys and other markets. Besides, one fat despot has dominated the toy market for centuries from an isolated workshop using malnourished senior citizens as slave labor. His workers can't leave because they would freeze to death in polar conditions if they tried to escape wearing only green tights. He even operates a reindeer team 24/7 with no food or water during the holiday season just to make his final deliveries. Where's the NY Times Story on the real bad guys?" S. Claus, CEO of Polar Toys Limited, could not be reached for comment.

1984

A Case So Shielded One Side Is in the Dark - Jon Eisenberg, a lawyer representing an Islamic charity and other clients suing the US government for illegal surveillance, wrote his appellate brief under Orwellian circumstances. In his words,

"Yesterday, under the auspices and control of my litigation adversaries, at their offices and on their computer, I wrote a brief of which I was not allowed to keep a copy, responding to arguments which I was not permitted to see, which will be met by a reply which I will not be permitted to see."

It's like the poor guy is subject to the Eisenberg uncertainty principle.

If you try the link above you will see that the case is so secret it was moved to Time's select, you can't even read the news story without special clearance. Also note the suspicious absence of pictures.

Similar cases have been dismissed because the plaintiff could not prove surveillance without discovery in the litigation, or claim a specific injury resulting from surveillance. Mr Eisenberg's client is an unusual position, it claims the US Treasury bungled, mistakenly giving the plaintiff a classified document that showed it was under surveillance.. The government's approach is heads I win - if plaintiff doesn't have specific knowledge of illegal surveillance the case must be dismissed, tails you lose - if plaintiff does know about illegal surveillance then the case must still be dismissed because state secrets are privileged and cannot be revealed at trial. The Orwellian brief writing process was an effort to minimize the chance any secret would be disclosed, because the court has not (at least not yet) accepted the "tails you lose" argument. If the government prevails then the executive branch could, in theory, break any law, classify it's actions as secret and avoid any judicial review of those actions.

If only AG Albert Gonzales had been around to help Nixon with Watergate.

Of course 1984 was written by a Brit in Burma inspired by Stalin, and by the British colonial bureaucracy, and the US may still be on the low end of the 1984 scale. In China, Party Animal Hu Jintao is introducing a pilot security program in Shenzhen, a city of 12.4 Million people. Most citizens will be required to carry an ID card with chip carrying data on work history, education, religion, ethnicity, police record, insurance, reproductive history, etc. The same city is installing 20,000 surveillance cameras and sophisticated software to recognize crime suspects and "unusual" activity. Do not fear gentle people of Shenzen, Party Animal just wants to know where you are on Saturday night, you never know when you'll get a last minute invitation - to Rave Gulag. US and European firms are providing software, hardware nce, and financing for the prime Chinese contracto, no one can resist the lure of the massive Chinese market, but these firms may be securing a place at the head of the line in some future walk of shame.

And then there is Burma itself. Myanmar remains one of the most oppressive regimes anywhere, so bleak for so long that it rarely even makes the news. Htein Lin, a Burmese political prisoner who painted surreptitiously on sarongs donated by his fellow prisoners now has an exhibition in London. Lin was sentenced to seven years, although he did nothing - a friend mentioned his name in a letter as a possible recruit for a political organization.

Hello Kitty

Cute Kitty is Pink Badge of Shame in Bangkok, but what about NY or SF? - Police in Bangkok who commit minor infractions (littering, parking in a no-parking zone) will be required to wear a pink armband with a Hello Kitty face and a pair of linked hearts. Brilliant, so brilliant that the mere threat of the pink Hello Kitty has eliminated bad behaviour and no one has been kittied yet. A previous incarnation of the same idea featuring a tartan arm band failed miserably - naughty cops would wear it for a day then take it home as a souvenir. The prospect of sporting Hello Kitty appears to hold special terrors for the macho psyche. Would it work in NY? Probably not as well, the police here may be tough but they understand irony and would display Little Kitty with a grin. The concept might still work with a little fine tuning. What if the Police Commissioner went berserk, and used the Department's homophobia against it? Maybe a rainbow armband with a pink triangle would give NYPD bad boys second thoughts. One thing is certain - if Commissioner Bud Selig had issued a rainbow/pink triangle armband every time he had reason to believe a major league baseball player was using steroids the game would have cleaned up its act a decade ago and Barry Bonds would have hit number 656 last night.

Abuses Belie China Pledge on Rights, Critics Say - A group of human rights organizations accused China of harassing lawyers, dissidents and journalists and reneging on promises to make human rights a centerpiece of the 2008 Olympics. Organizations included Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, etc. - the usual suspects. As Good As News, naturally, agrees with the good guys, but really, what did you expect? Even Jay Leno harasses lawyers, dissidents and journalists. For Party Animal Hu Jintao this is not oppression, it's a recreational activity. So what if China made a few promises to get the Olympics, every Party Animal says things at night he can't remember in the morning. In another effort to capitalize on publicity surrounding the one year count down to the Olympics, a group of Chinese scholars, lawyers and journalists wrote an open letter to Party Animal calling for the release of political prisoners. This letter had dozens of signers, a courageous group indeed. One signatory is Bao Tong, a former party leader now under house arrest. Mia Farrow, Madonna and Angelina Jolie are not offering to exchange places with Bao Tong - Only Africa is in, America is still looking the other way on problems in China.

My Back Pages

Snow Leopard Pelts Seized - Hu Jintao, China's President, General Secretary of the Communist Party and Chairman of the Central Military Commission (familiar to As Good As News readers as Party Animal) has a real love for rare cats and a genuine conservationist streak. Police seized 104 snow leopard pelts from a trader in Gansu, China. Active enforcement will protect the endangered snow leopard, and those seized pelts will certainly look terrific in Party Animal's den.

Farrow Offers to Take Sudan Prisoner's Place- Mia Farrow offered to exchange places with Suleiman Jamous, a coordinator for the Darfur rebel group Sudan Liberation Army now being held a virtual prisoner at a UN hospital in Kordofan, East of Darfur. Jamous needs a stomach biopsy which cannot be performed there, but he will be arrested if he leaves. As Good As News understands that Woody Allen has offered to cover all transportation costs if Sudan will accept Ms Farrow's offer. Angelina Jolie and Madonna have both announced their support for Ms Farrow's publicity stunt, oops, I meant courageous gesture, and are rumored to be racing to get out the first press release offering to exchange places with a jailed African leader, as soon as they can identify one.

Fake Steve Unveiled

A Mystery Solved: Fake Steve is an Editor - The author of the Secret Diary of Steve Jobs is Daniel Lyons, a 46 year old Forbe's Editor who lives near Boston, far from Silicon Valley. Kudos to Mr. Lyons on a funny, well executed satire. Fake Steve is known for humorous egomaniacal rants and insulting nick names like Beastmaster (Bill Gates) and Squirrel Boy (Eric Schmidt of Google). Fake Steve is inspiring and instructional. As Good As News has used cute nicknames in the past like Doc Gurby and Darth Cheney, but we will learn from Fake Steve.

Boxers Who Disappeared are Taken Back to Cuba - If they disappeared how could anyone take them back? This isn't a headline about a magic act. Two champion boxers from Cuba failed to show up for their scheduled fights in the Pan Am Games last month then turned up on Thursday drinking and carousing at a resort near Rio. The situation was confused by an announcement from a German promoter that he had signed the boxers to contracts, but the boxers were deported back to Cuba. Fidel says the boxers will be held in "guest houses" and "punished, but not harshly." The Brazilian police say the boxers actually wanted to return to Cuba, so maybe it will work out for them. As Good As News thinks they are about to discover what disappeared really means. As this story is written Fidel is telling Raoul - "even if I die I want you to make sure that these ungrateful traitors never leave Cuba again."

Chinese President Hu Jintao (aka Party Animal) can't believe his eyes. Yet another front page headline on dangerous lead content of made-in China toys. What will it take to get these Western journalists off his case. Party Animal already whacked Zheng Xiaoyu (very former head of Chinese FDA ) after that little fiasco with the antifreeze in the toothpaste grabbed some headlines, but the Western media still won't shut up. Party Animal looking to blame this one on Santa Claus, but if that doesn't work - watch out. It's not always easy to find the right scapegoat though, look for someone who has opposed Party Animal in the past and has no connections with Party Animal's friends in the toy industry. Hey Party Animal - no one said it would be easy to look like you were running a government of laws without actually doing it.

Laundry List

- Still no news from Turkmenistan on official blog status for As Good As News-

-Yesterday's news was simply too much grist for the As Good As News mill. Although we ran a lengthy post, we did not cover at least four stories that appeared, on the surface, to have comic potential. Today we get a second look, as several items generated follow-up headlines.

-Poland's Jewish culture festival is held without Jews, clearly a line in here for Jay Leno (festival forgot to include Yiddish translation on the invitations? Silly goyim scheduled festival on Jewish holiday?) , but Poland's Jews are missing thanks to pogroms, Auschwitz and Commies- may need cooling off period of several more centuries before this is ready for serious comedy.-

-Libyan court upholds death sentences for five Bulgarian nurses in story that includes a wild tale about Mossad's spread of AID's virus, Libyan Kangaroo Court (and Libyan populace) that will believe any crazy anti-Israel conspiracy theory rather than recognize Libya's medical facilities had sanitary problems and perversion of Islamic justice tradition of compensation into state sponsored kidnap for ransom. Combination of Libyan lunacy and Bulgarian nurses in prison sounds like great sketch material - Monty Python as the nurses, Sacha Baron Cohen as Muslim judge/cleric/Mossad agent, cameo for Juliette Binoche as Mme Sarkozy who visited the nurses yesterday - will be funny when nurses are released.

-China's "government of laws" rushes to justice with instant execution of Zheng Xiaoyu, head of Chinese FDA who confessed to taking bribes. This happened so fast it seems more like a publicity stunt than justice served. Express line execution of one scapegoat, even a guilty scapegoat, shows one party system in a reactionary fit, not a legal system that will consistently enforce health and safety laws. Today's NY times carries three follow up stories: 1) Zheng Xiaoyu had a history as a reformer, maybe some of his old enemies were happy to open that express line for him; 2) China demonstrates commitment to health and safety by refusing to allow the doctor who blew the whistle on SARs virus cover up to collect his medal in the USA, health OK as long as it does not embarrass party leaders; 3) Inexpensive Chinese autos seek European market - how cheap do these things need to be to overcome Chinese record on product safety? Any chance autos come with toothpaste instead of antifreeze? -

-Governor Corzine will stop using e-mail altogether as the result of wrangle over demands for release of e-mail to former lover (also Union leader). Many would ask if he is switching to papyrus scrolls and quill pens or going straight to the chisel and stone tablet. Any lawyer who ever had to collect and review boxes of e-mail print outs as part of pretrial discovery knows the kind of horror stories that inevitably appear. Consider the case of Whole Foods CEO, who uses pseudonyms to post inside information on chat boards touting Whole Foods stock and boasts that Whole Foods is destroying a competitor market by market - just before an acquisition of that competitor that triggers FTC review. This guy's lawyers will definitely have no trouble paying college tuition for large families. So, keyboard a deadly weapon in hands of CEOs. Smart move Guv Corzine, pick up the phone if hammer and chisel gets tiring.

Upstate NY Native Americans establish lacrosse league, including junior programs. Sounds like great combination of tradition and fun (pictured above), no strippers at post game party please.

-Tax Loopholes Sweeten Deal For Blackstone -NY Times includes explanatory diagram on use of corporate structure that allows preservation, and later amortization, of goodwill. Congratulations, the diagram actually works and in-depth explanation a nice first step. Now, could we please see one business tax story that does not use the word "loophole" twenty times, including headline, does not label a deduction as an "annuity" and does not assume that the outcome of the tax question at hand must always be higher taxes in order to preserve truth, justice and the American way. Sure the bias is in expert quotes, but you are the NY Times, do you really think there is only one expert on this?

To Do List? This was supposed to be political humor - see special close

Nothing funny in today's headlines so - with unshakeable certainty that the world will be fascinated with the minutia of my monotonous retiree existence, I join the universe of diary blogging and publish my to do list.

1. Check toothpaste for "made in china" label. Chinese officials defend use of antifreeze as low cost ingredient, probably tasty as well as cheap and teeth will look exceptionally white if you elect open casket. Any chance the Chinese officials defending this practice own the toothpaste factory? Just yesterday Chinese President Hu Jintao was quoted as saying:
“Insist on the party’s leadership...and ruling the nation by laws” . Can an authoritarian one party state ever be a government of laws? Chinese antifreeze producers now looking to shift excess capacity resulting from toothpaste fiasco into toy train market, for an extra $2.95 Thomas the Tank will come with lead paint and a freight car of slick, green goop.

2. Write congratulatory note to Pope Benedict XVI. Sure he got off to a rocky start - PR gaffes followed by apologies to Islam and Latin America - but now the man is on a roll. Revival of Latin Mass sure to be a hit with the all important ancient Roman demographic, run-off election system insures health of future popes (see yesterday's post here at As Good As News) and premier of pope's new network prime time TV show, National Bingo Night, a summer ratings smash. PR blitz to continue next week with roll-out of Strudel and Becks alternative to bread and wine for communion.

3. Sign renewal contract for next summer's lawn service ......before immigration bill passes.

4. Finish plea to Lorne Michaels - never be another Gilda but we can still bring Emily Litella back. Just too many opportunites to pass up. Tuesday we had the virtual/invisible fence, today it's "desertification" -
"I just don't see the problem here Chevy, I mean I may be a little chunky but if I want a hot fudge sundae as an appetizer, cheesecake for my entree and chocolate oblivion for my after dinner drink I think it's horrible that the NY Times would write a story complaining about desertification."
No Emily, desertification, not dessertification, were talking about fields and forrests turning into sand dunes.

5. Think of something that is actually funny for tomorrow's post.

As Good As News -Special Item
Follow- Up Report:

The photo that inspired my Top Ten Reasons to Visit Iran was too good to be true. The NY Times pulled the picture and the caption from the Times on-line with an announcement that the "victim" may have been a real criminal, not just a teen wearing the wrong T shirt. Even a thug should probably not have to eat an implement used to wipe the policeman's derriere, at least not before a trial. Times can back off, but my Top Ten stays.

Post on Taxes are Death to Comics etc. was sent to NY Times as a serious letter to the editor, the reporting in the original NY Times story on "hedge fund" tax was genuinely abysmal. Although there were no new developments on the tax story, the Times ran a follow-up piece the next day which did a better job - if only they had included my example featuring Benny at the Jersey shore.

Failed States Recount

Sudan led this year's list of failed states, followed closely by Iraq. This was a fearsome competition, many states fail to deliver any services, several offer no semblance of stability or security, but only the select few go the extra mile and exterminate their own citizens on a wholesale basis. States to watch for next year - 1) The Peoples Republic of China - failed state watchers - do not be discouraged by years of stability, PRC still very much a government of men not laws. Consider production of medicines with intentional use of poison as a low cost ingredient, no problem in the PRC. PRC now captures market share in toys with low cost specials featuring lead paint and kerosene. For Christmas 2007 look for Suicide Bomber Barbie featuring a chest with real silicon implants and a back pack with real plastic explosive. If leaders are threatened look for PRC to revisit cultural revolution, move quickly into failed state contention 2) in a sleeper pick - New Jersey - Tony Soprano no longer around to keep peace in organized ....waste management.