Memo to Lloyd Carr - Chumps not Champs

Appalachian State Stuns Michigan -110,000 fans wept at the Big House in Ann Arbor yesterday. Lloyd Carr, the Michigan football coach had done everything right. His squad of blue chip Big Ten beef was ranked and ready. The victim, strike that, opponent, was a IAA patsy. Strike that - the NCAA just renamed IAA - which sounded like something from minor league baseball - with the even more humiliating moniker "subdivision". How could a suburban housing development be expected to compete with a Division IA power. No IAA squad had ever beaten a ranked IA team. The Wolverines would win, elate the fans and donating alumni, let the stars build some Heisman stats, give the second string a chance to play and do absolutely nothing to jeopardize their ranking. Lloyd made one small mistake, he scheduled the two time defending IAA champion Appalachian State Mountaineers.

The Mountaineers took a 28-14 lead in the second quarter, but Lloyd was still more grumpy than really worried. It would look shaky to the poll voters, but the cream still had time to rise. Michigan finally grabbed the lead with 4 and a half minutes left in the game. Appalachian State threw an interception on its next play. 110,000 fans exhaled simultaneously. The Mountaineers had finally remembered who they were, minor leaguers, victory was secure, and the Wolverines could recover in the polls - there was a lot of season left. Turns out there was a lot of game left and the Mountaineers remembered exactly who they were, champions who were not willing to go away with a fat check for scheduling Goliath and a moral victory. Maybe it was the fact that they had real playoff experience, the kind where you get to the championship by winning games instead of polls. Maybe they were just pissed off about playing in a "subdivision". Instead of folding the Mountaineers blocked two Michigan field goals and kicked their own to pull off one of the biggest upsets in college football history.

Lloyd - winners are winners. Don't take a chance on a champ when you need a chump, find a IA program that's always "rebuilding" for your opener.

p.s. Don't forget to work on special teams in the early practices next year - oh that's right - you won't be coaching next year. If you change your mind about retiring maybe one of the schools in the subdivision will have an opening for a veteran coach.

Special note to As Good As News Readers in Columbus - Congratulations, this must be better than winning a bowl game. Celebrate safely and do not look past the ever dangerous Zips.

Wolverine Stew

Michigan Joins the Race For a "Me First" Primary -

"Michigan has been bellyaching for years, far more vociferously than any other state, about Iowa and New Hampshire going first, Mr Ballenger said. Michigan is saying, "We"ve had it, we're going Jan 15, we're going to trump everyone.""

New Hampshire Governor John Lynch announced the results of an emergency joint session of the New Hampshire Legislature held last night: "New Hampshire sneers at Michigan and announces its primary will be held tomorrow, assuring continuation of its historical primary primacy for the 2008 election. The New Hampshire primary for the 2012 election has now been set for Nov. 11, 2008. "

Iowa announced the results of the caucuses that were secretly held late last night. Hillary Clinton wins with a beer and champagne coalition of union leaders and intellectuals who said they might have considered Obama if he had taken the time to get to know Iowa. Obama was stunned, "I had months of campaigning scheduled for Iowa - how could they move the caucus without even telling the candidates?" Mike Huckabee squeezed out a shocking upset in a Republican vote that was scattered almost evenly over six candidates. Veteran GOP delegate Earl E. Byrd said he went with Huckabee because the other Republicans didn't even pretend to have a sense of humor, adding, "That Guliani guy was downright scary when he got angry - I thought he was going to blow his hair right off his own head, but the real losers are those pricks from Michigan - this ought to poke them in the eye with a sharp stick, and if we need to go retroactive with our next caucus - we will! "

U.S. Group Accuses Chinese Toy Factories of Labor Abuses - "China Labor Watch, which is based in New York, said that it had investigated eight Chinese factories over the last year and discovered widespread labor violations, including the hiring of under-age workers, mandatory overtime, unsafe working conditions and managers who engaged in verbal abuse and sexual harassment." Chinese leader Hu Jinatao, known endearingly to As Good As News readers as Party Animal, yawned – he had just returned from a long night of clubbing -– and said it was time for the do gooders and the Western media to get off China' s back. “We are a government of laws” said Party Animal, “we are a newly developed country and we will learn about safety and workers' rights once we have established global leadership in toys and other markets. Besides, one fat despot has dominated the toy market for centuries from an isolated workshop using malnourished senior citizens as slave labor. His workers can't leave because they would freeze to death in polar conditions if they tried to escape wearing only green tights. He even operates a reindeer team 24/7 with no food or water during the holiday season just to make his final deliveries. Where's the NY Times Story on the real bad guys?" S. Claus, CEO of Polar Toys Limited, could not be reached for comment.