I Just Found Out.......

Mike's brother-in-law checking in.

I have to tell everyone about my recent startling discovery. My wife is black. We've been married for almost 13 years and I've known her for over 20, but I didn't learn the truth until yesterday. I'm completely down with this, just very surprised. How did I make this discovery? Well, I remembered something very important from Isiah Thomas's recent sexual harassment lawsuit testimony. He said it was ok for a black man to call a black woman a bitch but not acceptable for a white man to call a black woman a bitch. Well let's just say the "b" word slipped out at my house the other day. Let me tell you, my wife found that to be completely unacceptable. Now I know I am a white man. For this to be so upsetting to her the only conclusion I could come up with is that my wife must be black. Because of Isiah, I now know my wife is black. Thanks Isiah!

The Donald To The Rescue?

The Tiara Was Nice, Now Where's The Scholarship? - The Miss America Organization, based in, where else, New Jersey, responds to charges that local and state beauty contest winners, the feeder contests for Miss America, are not receiving promised scholarships with the following statement: “While it is unimaginable that scholarships, which are the heart and soul of Miss America, could or would be wrongly withheld from pageant participants, we are looking into these allegations. We have definitive procedures in place to vet disputes and guarantee state organizations stand behind their scholarship agreements with the Miss America Organization and those to whom scholarships are promised.” The statement added, “The Miss America Organization is absolutely unaware of any young lady that has ever been denied payment of scholarships after properly following the application process.” Some of these local contests are volunteerish, chamber of commerce affairs, but the failure to deliver on promised scholarships, especially the larger scholarships offered at the state level, reads more like a manipulative con than the good faith bumbling of contest organizers. That statement we just quoted is so deep in solid waste it sounds like something Tony Soprano should be managing.

-The contest winners, young ladies, who endure the indignities of evening gown competitions, inane interviews and and mandatory tiara wear to earn their scholarships, deserve a better fate. Remember, these are scholarship competitions, not beauty contests. Today's photos are a case in point. Consider Ashley Wood, Miss South Carolina 2004, photographed in her tiara and at Wharton where she now attends school - looking like a manicured Elle Woods at Harvard Law as other students dressed like, well - students - appear in the background. Ms Wood is getting a runaround instead of the $25,000 scholarship she was promised.

-Donald Trump, Miss America needs you. You have the experience as the owner of the Miss Universe pageant - OK that's a beauty contest, not a scholarship contest, but you know the business. Step in and volunteer to reorganize this mess, at least down to the state level. People would trust you to get the job done right. Sure you seem a little smarmy at times, but there is no way you are going to take the publicity hit you would suffer from stiffing a deserving winner who does not get the scholarship she's promised. Best of all - yet another cross promotion opportunity for The Apprentice. Sign Ashley Wood for an appearance as an Apprentice competitor at your first Miss America press conference and make it a standing annual offer for one Miss America contestant each year. Miss American Apprentice won't necessarily be the Miss America winner but the contestant you pick based on her academic and entrepreneurial track record. You can even bring the revitalized Miss America back to Atlantic City, the Trump Taj could use a breath of fresh air.

Are Chocolate, Beer & Women's Tennis Enough?

Belgians, Adrift and Split, Sense Their Nation Is Fading -Will the Flemish, robust of build, yet nonetheless lithe and agile, and the Walloons, known for their powerful yet accurate backhands, go the way of the Czechs and the Slovaks? The Flemish Christian Democrats won a plurality in an election held June 10 but have not been able to put together a majority coalition, in part because the party leader has slighted the French speaking Walloons, who are the majority in the South of Belgium. The result - no new prime minister or cabinet, a non-functioning parliament, and a nation that is reexamining the premise of its own existence. Existing government departments continue to provide basic services, the crisis seems to be largely emotional. Best quote, from Filip Dewinter, leader of the xenophobic Flemish Bloc Party:

We are two different nations, an artificial state created as a buffer between
big powers, and we have nothing in common except a king, chocolate and beer.It’s
‘bye-bye, Belgium’ time.

Problems with best quote:

- you forgot women's tennis (Walloon Justine Henin and Flemish Kim Clijsters).

- a government that provides all basic services but is so paralyzed that it can't make any mistakes, and you want to throw that away? Shame on you, Mr. Dewinter, you have Eden, the government that governs least.

-don't sneer at chocolate and beer - it's more than Texas and New York have in common.

As Good As News wishes Belgium all the best, whatever that may be. By the way, things are very slow in Turkmenistan (because the #$%^&* NY Times won't cover anything - and then it has the nerve to call the Turkmen reclusive). So, Kingdom of Wallonia, if Belgium splits look no further for your official blog. We see absolutely no conflict of interest with Turkmenistan and have more than enough time for the dual role.

Disclaimer #3

3 posts in one day - a new record and fitting testimony to the comedy opportunities overwhelming today's headlines. Don't miss today's earlier posts - on Couch Surfing and Market Timing.


The disclaimer - this is not a real post. For now, As Good As News will resist temptation. Let the vast universe of video oriented bloggers handle OJ's sting operation (planned and led by Leslie Nielsen) and Kerry's taser victim (who seemed to be asking for it - would anyone have even thought to taser this guy if he had just gone quietly limp instead of screaming don't taser me - don't throw me into that brier patch). mhass30, C&C R, where are you?

If you have a minute to spare, picture Judge Judy. Now read Judge Who Chastised Weeping Asylum Seeker is Taken Off Case. Caught you moonlighting, Judge Judy, nobody is buying that Noel Ferris alias. Next time make up a realistic name.

Now picture silly string - in the hands of a combat soldier in Iraq trying to spot the trip wire that will detonate a booby trap bomb. Now picture more silly string, stacked in boxes in New Jersey because no one can ship it to the soldiers in Iraq who want it. Toy Goo Might Save Some Soldiers' Lives, But It's Stuck Here is the link, but don't bother. The headline tells the whole story.

Picture a Couch Surfer who just won't go away. What do you do? Make your house disappear. An Irish House Hides In Plain Sight.

Pity the poor college freshman who returns at Thanksgiving to find the dump she loved and left behind converted into a "real Martha Stewart bed and breakfast" (You just can't escape those Barnard grads) in Refeathering The Empty Nest. No pity here. The student is lucky she didn't return to find a lodger in her old bed as her parents struggled desperately to cover the cost of Middlebury College tuition. In fact, she's lucky her parents didn't just move with no forwarding address, the approach recommended in "Just Retired" - one of the clips at the MySpace site linked in the right hand column.

It's in the Book

Alumna Gives $128 Million to High School - Interesting take on the story behind one of the largest donations ever to a secondary school. In 1950 Warren Buffett is rejected by Harvard B School. He writes to Columbia Professor David Dodd (Buffet knows Dodd's name as the author of a "respected financial text") and wangles a late admission to Columbia B. While there, Buffet so impresses Dodd that Dodd invests with Buffett, ultimately creating the fortune that Barbara Dodd Anderson is now donating to the George School. Three points of interest - 1) Buffet's letter to Dodd started by noting "I thought you were dead" - I think the idea was to express surprise that a legend like Dodd was still an active teacher. Mr. Buffet has probably polished his diplomatic skills since then. Who knows, maybe the opening is what caught Dodd's attention; 2) Calling Security Analysis by Graham and Dodd a "respected text" is a little like calling the Bible an interesting work in the field of religious literature. Dodd pioneered the school of investing that Buffett, with hard work, disciplined decision making, a little extra emphasis on franchise values that might not appear on the balance sheet and an occasional pragmatic variation from theory, turned into a license to print money for 50 years; 3) George School announced nothing about changing its name - kudos Ms Anderson, for generosity without ego - but how about a David Dodd gymnasium or library. If the NY Times is already starting to forget your father's contributions he could use the publicity.

As They Were Nurtured, Barnard's Alumnae Return the Favor -Last Winter I sat in a film symposium, watching the opening scene of a new independent film a few weeks before its release. The scene was a teen boy reading in a train cabin on a long journey across India, suddenly thrown into turmoil, nearly death, as the train derails violently. Even before the derailment, I had an overwhelming sense that I had seen this movie before - impossible, it was a preview. Then the name of the film sank in, "The Namesake", a book I had read just a year or so before. The opening scene was a perfect match for the image, the vivid moving image, that book had imprinted on my subconscious.

The linked NY Times story tells of the many Barnard alumnae who have become famous as writers and how their reputation, and their contribution as teachers and yes - even as Chairwoman of the Board of Trustees - attracts and inspires new generations of writers at Barnard. The rest of this post is about how I came to read The Namesake, and about the best college fund raiser ever. It may have been Anna Quindlen's idea -call on alumnae and friends of Barnard to host and teach a writing seminar, invite alumnae to attend for a very modest fee, throw in a lunch, have a good time, get the alumnae involved and increase the endowment by a few bucks while you're at it. The first step was to line up the writers. I suspect even Ms Quindlen was a little surprised at the response -the famous, the near famous, the not so widely know but published to good reviews all said yes, yes and yes. And so the word went forth to the alumnae - "Great Writers at Barnard" - and the alumnae responded and responded and responded. The opening panel discussion had to be moved three times to find a hall big enough to contain the crowd. And why not, for the aspiring novelist, the unassuming blogger even for the dedicated and curious reader, this was the literary equivalent of taking hitting lessons from A-Rod and Ken Griffey, Jr.

The opening panel was Anna Quindlen, Mary Gordon, Anna Brashares, Jhumpa Lahiri and Edwidge Dandicat - luminaries all, awash in awards and bestsellers. My wife was at Barnard with Mary Gordon and Anna Quindlen so we already had all their work, but I was so impressed with Ms Lahiri that I ordered The Namesake the next day. (Maybe the picture gave me away - I am not a Barnard alumna - but I should have mentioned that I lucked into the whole Great Writers deal because I had the good sense to marry one.) I signed on for the humor panel in the early PM and ended up discovering Jane Leavy, Valerie Block and Cathleen Schine (more books ordered) and laughing out loud as Ms Leavy pushed an entertaining discussion into the outrageous. Watching the Kellermans team teach a mystery tutorial in the late afternoon reminded me a little of James Carville and Mary Matalin, they had disagreements that were almost choreographed as their different backgrounds and outlook emerged in discussing their work (much of which we had already read.)

What's that - a chorus of comments demanding an encore of Great Writers at Barnard because, ouch!, As Good As News is sorely in need of another writing lesson? How about it, Ms Quindlen?

The Incline is Going Up

After 40 straight days of finding something that passed for humor in the NY Times headlines, As Good As News will change formats for a few weeks, with posting shifting to a more sporadic schedule and features from new contributors, including Chris Reitmeyer and Corey Hassett, originally from Pittsburgh, Pa., pictured above - that is Pittsburgh that is pictured, not Chris and Corey. More humor, fewer headlines, As Good As News is moving on up.

FOR CLINTON, WOOING WOMEN REQUIRES A CAREFUL BALANCE - OK, make it 41 straight days, and this headline stands on its own. Do not even bother to look at the boring story, just appreciate the art of the headline itself, no room for any mention of Hillary or voters, just Clinton Wooing Women. No way this was the result of anything less than a well laid plan. NY Times has at least one Obama supporter composing headlines.

IN A SHIFT, US WILL ALLOW MOST TYPES OF CIGARETTE LIGHTERS ON PLANES - Cigarette lighters allowed on planes where smoking is always banned, thanks for the breakthrough, TSA. Now put on your thinking caps and come up with something really useful, like letting us wear our shoes as we pass through security. Relaxation of lighter ban not totally useless, we can use them while chanting encore if we are ever booked on a flight with a Dylan concert.

A CHAMPION AT CHECKERS THAT CANNOT LOSE TO PEOPLE - Canadian professors announce they have computational proof that Chinook, a checkers playing computer, cannot be defeated. Big deal, I used to go to a restaurant in Chinatown with a chicken that was undefeated in tic-tac-toe. You drew a grid in the dirt at the bottom of the cage and scratched in your X's and O's. The chicken never lost fair and square, but became very confused if you went out of turn. What does Chinook do when you say, "Quick, look over there" and take a checker off the board? It always works on nephews. What about the basic Star Trek (original TV series, not sequels or movies) question - if Chinook plays itself will the two computers compute to their deaths or settle for a dignified draw? The only real proof in this story is that Canadian professors have too much spare time.

CHENEY WINS DISMISSAL OF SUIT BROUGHT BY VALERIE WILSON - First, kudos to As Good As News, we did not use this story to drag in a picture of Valerie (Plame) Wilson. Pittsburgh looked too good. Second, no real news here. Darth and his codefendants, Scooter, Karl and Richard Armitage (nice guy weight lifter who looks like WWE refugee, Armitage was the real Val outer, albeit inadvertently) were heavy favorites to win. Much precedent for immunity from suit when officials are acting within the broad scope of their duties, to rule otherwise would open Pandora's box. W might even be civilly liable for injuries and deaths in Iraq. Wait - let's think about this.

Summertime

The fourth of July is the Independence Day holiday in the USA. Bet the English are wishing Tony Blair had declared Independence from Cheney-Rove-W Administration, but enough politics. It's a holiday so As Good As News will just go for the easy laugh.

Sturgeon are jumping uncontrollably in Florida's Suwannee River. Sounds like nature at its most beautiful, unless you are doing 30 miles per hour on a power boat or a jet ski and suddenly find one of these 200 pound monsters in your face - WHAP. A real safety issue, but still, I wish we had the video, with soundtrack:

Summertime and the livin is easy
Fish are WHAP jumpin WHAP WHAP
and the cotton WHAP WHAP is WHAP high

The sturgeon have a "pressing, mysterious urge to jump all summer long" but no one knows why. Marine biologists - consider doing interviews at any hoops court. Ballers might be able to explain sturgeon based on comparable experience.

The Chamber of Commerce of Mauritania managed to plant an article on page 1 of the New York Times. The story appears to deal with efforts by the government and the women of Mauritania to change the culture - produce thinner, healthier women. The real motive jumps out on even a casual reading: "To men here, fat is sexy", see also - description of crash feeding programs designed to achieve the ideal of obesity. This is not really a story about a cultural change to address a serious health problem - Mauritania is stealthily trolling for immigrants. And it is working. Just hours after this story appeared the Air Dubai counter at JFK Airport was swarmed with a gleeful throng of new Weight Watchers dropouts, force feeding Hershey Bars and begging to get standby seating on the next flight to Mauritania.

Prius is the best selling hybrid because every Prius is a hybrid. The buyer can make a statement that everyone else will understand. Buy a Honda Civic hybrid and you will do just as much for the environment, but your neighbors might not realize it. My former employer makes a catalyst that converts ozone to environmentally safe oxygen. Among other applications it is sold as a radiator coating on regular automobiles. It doesn't help (or hurt) the car's performance and no one knows it's there, it just improves the environment as you drive along. My former employer also makes pigments for paints and can design any shade with any feature (even a color shift depending on angle of view). The hybrid story encourages me to revive an old suggestion. Why not develop a unique color, "BASF Green" -trademark it and and license it for use only on cars equipped with BASF ozone abating catalyst. As the story on hybrids shows, environmentalists may be better than the rest of us, but they are not saints, they want that E for environmental extra credit. A do gooder product that no one knows about is a tough sell.

No Exit

Congestion fee to be collected as exit fee - why is this a headline? I remember living in Manhattan, I never made it out of the city without running into a squeegeeman. Fear not for New Yorkers, anyone living below 86th can afford this toll. What of the unsuspecting traveler, roach motel like, Manhattan says you can come in but you won't get out. What's a family from Ohio to do - abandon car and become Broadway gypsies? We knew those tap lessons would come in handy some day.

London car bombs suggest the new, fragmented Al Qaeda is poorly managed. Godfather would know to keep the Mercedes and leave the bombs in the Yugos. Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

Why did Supremes change their minds on Guantanamo review? An unusual move, especially since the Court could duck, let W close Guantanamo on his own. Spate of recent opinions shows some evidence of harmony in conservative block and somebody wants to decide this case right now for a reason. Maybe you can hurry love. Conservative court or not, the W administration should be very afraid. J. Scalia not all that worried about rights of suspected terrorists but he can be prickly when fundamental prerogatives of Supreme Court are in issue. Use of foreign prisons to avoid jurisdiction of the real judiciary (the Article III kind), might be one area where the conservatives will continue Court's decisions to rein in the W regime on Guantanamo.

Jewels- yawn- what's up with Paris?

Headlines on CIA "Family Jewels" were so enticing I spent hours looking for fun in all the wrong places. Not much humor, or much news, in the Jewels, although some of the details are intriguing for people who were around in the 60's and early 70's and there's a nice photo of the young Darth Cheney, still only partially converted to the dark side. This story will erupt only when we learn that Cheney has the leading man role in redacted sections. The moral of the story is ancient history: fund and operate a resourceful agency in a way that immunizes it from scrutiny by both the media and the opposition party and sooner or later even the most law abiding President (Richard Nixon?) will be unable to resist using that agency as a short-cut means to any ends, legal or not, moral or not, that the President (or his deniability enabling staff) can't achieve openly. Media scrutiny possibly not the ideal way to go for a spy agency, Congressional oversight already improved, let's cross our fingers and move on to an alternative form of government.

Pope Benedict XVI switches papal election system to call for run-off between the two leading candidates if no candidate gets 2/3 majority by 13th day of conclave. Run-off definitely the way to go, leading candidates usually at least 70 and sometimes in frail health. Not sure if run- off is a sprint or more of a middle distance, but at least we will get a pope who can lace up his sneakers and go for it without collapsing at starting line. Ripple effect starts now, as leading papal contenders go into training and College of Cardinals looks to capture NCAA cross country crown.

Wake up Red Cross - Time to Wag the Dog

Charitable donations rose by only 1% in 2006 and would have been almost flat but for the first instalment of Warren Buffet's gift to the Bill & Melinda Gates foundation. Multi billionaires can't back-up media buzz on new age of philanthropy without more help from the merely rich. What the charitable world really needs is a good disaster. 2006 certainly had its share of bad news, but nothing triggered a donations surge like Katrina or the Southeast Asian tsunami. Drought, disease and brutal intrastate conflicts produce tremendous need in Africa, but lack of a single, defining event to generate the necessary flood tide of publicity is holding donations down.

Isn't the solution here obvious? Sudan and Congo need to declare war on each other. No new hostilities necessary. Existing internal problems are more than adequate to generate necessary footage of unprovoked massacres, starving refugees plodding along dusty roads in near hopeless pursuit of safe haven. Declared war will create the big bang - the universal gasp of silence which war producer/director Dustin Hoffman will fill with a tapestry of violence and suffering to produce avalanche of private donations, even emergency services from UN, EU.

Are French fries back on the menu? Always sad to lose punching bag that guaranteed a quick laugh, but there is a new France in the news. Socialist candidate Royale generates buzz which can only get juicier if split with domestic partner Hollande leads to nasty battle for control of party. New President Sarkozy brokers EU compromise with force of personality - hyperactivity now considered asset rather than basis for classification and treatment - and... maybe French had a point on Iraq?

Top Ten Reasons to See Iran Now

Today's post deals with a page one NY Times story on Iran's crack down on human rights, including a remarkable photo. Ski mask clad Irani policeman humiliates Irani teen with toilet implement as pre-arrest punishment for wearing T shirt too tight. Kudos on the report and the photo, NY Times, but you should have put this where it belonged - remember Sunday has its very own Travel section.

Top ten reasons to visit Iran now-

10. Shaking hands with airport greeter is only a misdemeanor.

9. Quality accommodations -top local prisons always willing to find a room for Americans, even on short notice, even if you so much as mention that you have a second cousin who once visited America.

8. Helpful local police always easy to locate thanks to fashionable ski masks.

7. Routine pre-arrest oral humiliation (torture?, very very very bad sanitary practices?) with bathroom cleaning implement shows Abu Ghraib how the experts do it, and the real fun begins when the cameras are off.

6. Tehran a must shop destination - prices high but every outfit you packed is grounds for life imprisonment - see previous item on local torture expertise.

5. Perfect for the whole family, Dads, if your wife or daughter isn't showing you the proper respect a vacation in Iran will give them a whole new perspective.

4. Better than Rome - more infallible leaders. Rome has only one Pope, Tehran has both Supreme Leader Khamenei and President Ahmadinejad and we know they are infallible because every single person we were able to interview told us so....repeatedly...while begging to be shown on tape affirming infallibility.

3. See Iran now before exciting crackdown on human rights ends - extinction of last human right imminent - the elephants will still be in Kenya next year.

2. Summer bargains right now (summer would be off-season due to desert heat except Iran has no on-season) or wait for fall specials on sand wear, January Ski Iran package to Shemshak and Dizin resorts - skiers - remember you are from Switzerland, you are from Switzerland, you are from Switzerland.

1. Be there for massive, country-wide gala celebration when Iran beats out North Korea and becomes first Axis of Evil member to go nuclear.

Long Line Every Time

Whole Foods introduced a new line system in NYC. A single line forms for all the registers and as a register opens it takes the next person from the big line, just like an airline check-in or a bank. I am the guy who always picks the wrong line and waits behind the shopper with the million coupons, the car attempting to pay a toll in pennies, the movie ticket buyer who needs a plot synopsis on each of ten shows at a multiplex, the rookie who doesn't quite get the self-checkout at Home Depot. I might even be the guy in the shouting match with the person who tries to cut the line. Bravo Whole Foods, Encore (in your suburban stores). The single line is faster, it's fairer and it promotes peace of mind, you just can't make a bad choice.

Although I applaud Whole Foods feverishly, I don't think we can give radical innovation credit. The Department of Motor Vehicles and INS - not generally lightning rods for change - were doing this a decade ago. Why can't we just use the single line with every line, everywhere.

If the major reason for delay in closing the US detention facilities at Guantanamo Bay is finding a place for all the prisoners, then just put them all in a single line. Whenever a space opens at a maximum security prison in the US, keep saying "next" until that long line is all gone.

Muscular Christianity?

Today's NY Times Caracas Journal describes Marxist militias forming in support of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Much is frightening here, including thought that militias will make Chavez President for life even after his disfunctional policies lead to disaster and disillusion, but what really catches the eye is the paragraph 1 reference to a mural of Jesus Christ armed with an assault rifle. Muscular Christianity on steroids? Perhaps German pope has revised some of the beatitudes - AK 47 not previously known for meekness. Just kidding - absolutely no established connection between Pope, mural and militia - but surely Mr. Romero will let us know if the militia starts wearing brown shirts.

Story on disappearing night life of politicians in Albany seems confused. Presumes Albany once had night life, also flies in the face of party-time reception Albanians just gave to President Bush.