Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dear Barack - How to handle a crisis, your pal W

President Bush has almost become a sympathetic character as he prepares to leave office with "favorable" ratings near historic lows. Almost.

Bush Prepares Crisis Briefings to Aid Obama -

Dear Barack:

Enclosed are some scenarios my team put together for you just in case you get bombed, or computer wormed or sarin gassed on your first day. I sincerely hope you never have to use any of this stuff. Anyway, now that you are about to be the decider, I wanted to go beyond the details and pass along the general principles that helped me handle crises like 9/11, Katrina and the recent shoe attack in Iraq.

1. There's always time for vacation;
2. Your public speaking really needs work. Too egghead, way egghead. Fumble around, butcher a few pronunciations - quit showing off, it's all about what America needs. In a crisis, nothing says macho like an incomplete sentence;
3. When making appointments, loyalty is all, competence nothing. The government that governs least governs best and nothing governs least like a bunch of twenty somethings from bible college;
4. When in doubt, pray. If still in doubt, leave it to a higher authority - the Vice President;
5. Always go with your gut (and make sure your entire team knows you've already made an unofficial snap decision - you don't want them bothering you with any inconvenient facts);
6. Don't worry about international law, anything America does is the right thing and the rest of the world will eventually see the truth (although I never thought it would take so long);
7. Never tell the media anything, that's what national security is really all about;
8. Congress Schmongress, keep those squabbling pissants you call a party in line and you'll never even have to take a phone call from a Republican - bipartisan is just another word for loser;
9. Talk a lot about fiscal responsibility but never forget - the budget deficit is really the next guy's problem -oops, sorry, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that one.

Good luck. Call my secretary if you need anything. By the way, sorry I had Blair house booked for my nephew's third cousin, but there's a really terrific Day's Inn not far from DuPont Circle.

Very truly yours,
George W. Bush

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