I am sick of being a running joke and it's long past time to ignore my lawyer's advice, and my wife's advice (which, Tiffany being a lawyer, is really just a second opinion), spit out the gag and tell people what is really happening. Maybe Plex made a little mistake or two, but look at the facts. What would you have done?
Why did Plex need a gun? One word - Richard Collier. That man did nothing but mind his own business and now he's missing a leg. I'm six foot five with a goatee that looks like I stole it from an actual goat. Any thug can spot me in a crowd. The fact that I'm making millions of dollars is all over the tube. I might as well have a target on my back.
Why didn't Plex get a license? Plex bought that gun legally. I even got a permit to carry a concealed weapon in Florida. OK, I let the permit expire, but I would have revived it if I went back to Florida. I asked around about getting a carry permit in New Jersey or New York. No way, it takes years, you need to hire the right law firm to advise on your application - a law firm where all the lawyers just happen to be ex-cops. Even then, there's no guarantees, especially for a guy like me. I need protection today, not a maybe after a year of pay-offs to the cop's buddies.
Why did I have to go out to the Latin Quarter that night? A man can't stay home every night. Really. Especially when I'm hurt. If I'm around the house for too long, Tiffany gets so she can't stand the sight of me. She tells me to get my sorry butt off the couch and out of the house before she goes after my sore hamstring with the broom handle. Besides, I felt bad that I couldn't play that week because of the hamstring. That little visit to the Latin Quarter was not just for me, it was a chance to build solidarity with my teammates, especially Antonio - he doesn't hang with just any wide receiver you know.
Why not use a bodyguard instead of carrying a gun that night? Even if I could get someone on short notice, how could I trust him. I mean the guards that show up with the rappers look more like mercenaries, little gangs of soldiers prowling for a battleground. Look what happened to Pac-man, I mean Adam, Jones, his own guard squared off with the man. A rent-a-bodyguard would do more harm than good, some of those hulking dudes give me the creeps.
Why did you wear sweat pants, wouldn't something with pockets make it easier to carry a gun? Like I said, I made mistakes. I was getting treatments on the hammy, it was easier to deal with sweat pants - I just never bothered to change. Anyway, it's not like someone else got shot, Plex knows how to keep it in his pants, when necessary.
What about the three and a half year minimum sentence - Who knew? That is some crazy stuff. I wasn't planning a hit or a robbery, the plan was just to keep the gun in my pants, unless somebody messed with me. Worst case, I take it out and show the ladies. A little joke you know, like with Mae West. Maybe I am glad to see you but, look - it really is a gun in my pants. Now the Mayor's already got me convicted and sentenced. Somebody ought to just cap that guy, that would limit his term. This whole mandatory minimum thing has to be unconstitutional - cruel and unusual punishment, right to bear arms, results in racially discriminatory enforcement, vests judicial power in the legislature, whatever. There is no way I can get three and a half years just because I did not change out of my sweat pants. How can the taxpayers afford to put good people in prison for three and a half years for nothing? I mean won't prison be taking the good guys and turning them into real criminals? What happens to their families while they are doing time? This is a first offense, I mean maybe I was late for a few team meetings, but that was just to remind people I was special - I was never convicted of anything. Shouldn't we use the jails for the criminals? Give extra time to people who use guns in a crime, maybe even to repeat gun licensing offenders, but three and a half years on a first offense when I wasn't even doing anything with the gun; who does that help?
So anyway, I'm sorry this whole thing caused so many problems, but really - what was Plex supposed to do?
PS - Tiffany helped me a little, especially with the part on the minimum sentence, but this whole letter is my own idea.