ALL CHIMP ALL THE TIME

Why has As Good As News failed so abysmally to cover the Stamford Chimp attack? Not just the chimp attack itself, but the big questions? As Good As News was in Connecticut gathering important details for an in-depth report.

Was the chimp enraged by Lyme disease, the official disease of Connecticut, or by the tea (official beverage of Connecticut) laced with Xanax (official drug of Connecticut), that his owner slipped him to ease the Lyme disease symptoms? Both, but what really set him off was that he called shotgun and still had to ride in the back.

Is it legal to keep a chimp in Connecticut, a state where you can't even buy liquor on Sunday? Yes, but not a 200 pound chimp. When a chimp weighs over 50 pounds, Connecticut deports it to New Jersey, thereby preserving the svelte image of the Nutmeg State.

Why was the knife counterattack unsuccessful? Sadly, the overweight chimp's vital organs were shielded by fat, and the effect of the knife blows lessened by the residual Xanax in the chimp's system.

Why did this story run ahead of the stimulus bill on news outlets everywhere? Chimp Attack Video + Connecticut = Big Ratings.

Why did this remain the lead story for a second day when the only new news was the release of the 911 recording of the panic stricken call from the chimp's owner? Chimp Attack Audio + Connecticut = Big Ratings.

How did the NY Post chimp cartoon get published? - Merely getting chimp and stimulus into the same cartoon is sufficient for publication, no pretense of humor or a political point is required.

Why is Al Sharpton so mad? The chimp is from Connecticut. Also, Mr. Sharpton interprets the chimp cartoon as an ugly attack on Obama (author of the stimulus plan), degrading the chimp's role to that of a vulgar stereotype (well, at least someone found a point).

Does Reverend Al actually have a point? Several. First and best is Sharpton's challenge to the Post to clarify the point the cartoon was "trying to make" and the sharp witted response of the cartoonist and Post editors - "the controversy is absolutely friggin ridiculous", "it's about the economic stimulus bill", it "is a clear parody of a current event" -strangely, these answers seem to include nothing resembling a point.

Where is it all going from here? The chimp has gone to chimp heaven. We pray the owner's friend will recover fully. We fervently hope that Reverend Al will orchestrate boycotts, marches and generally make the Post's life a living hell for degrading the President and all African Americans by comparison to a chimp, unless and until the Post publicly admits that the cartoon has absolutely no point - the editor saw chimp, he saw stimulus and he said print it - no point required.