Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Gitmo Repurposed

Bush Decides to Keep Guantanamo Open - Calm down, this is not an anti-W rant. Let's face it, the guy has a legitimate problem. No other country will accept the Gitmo inmates (Gitmates), regardless of where they were born or captured. The Gitmates are the political version of a credit default swap. Transfer to the US mainland, where even W sometimes concedes that US law actually applies, is W's worst nightmare. The Gitmates and their lawyers, a swarm of pesky, white shoe, pro bono punks, would sue the pants off him. Every time W brings a Gitmate to trial in Gitmo before one of his new military tribunals, another headline grabbing whiner assigned to prosecute resigns his commission. Apparently these wusses are too honorable to participate in a conviction based on confessions coerced with torture and evidence that's too secret to reveal to a military court. Even the Uighars, basically victims of Chinese repression who even W doesn't think are really terrorists, are a PR pitfall. Sure W could just release them to willing host families in the US, but that would be like admitting it was a mistake to arrest them and hold them in a black hole for six years.

What to do? The MBA President should be smelling opportunity here. Location - Gitmo is in exotic and sunny Cuba, a tourist mecca just waiting to happen. Facilities - a secure gated community (aka heavily armed camp) is exactly what it takes to start a four star resort in this part of the Caribbean, check out Haiti if you have any questions. Special Attractions - Year after year the torture chambers in the Tower of London are the hottest attraction in Europe, need we say more. Affordable Labor - Let's start with the kitchen and waitstaff - Mr. President did you know that Uighar cuisine is prized throughout Central Asia? Security staff - already on site, just a few stop loss orders to keep the GIs in place while we retrain some of the Gitmates. Best of all, it's free. No law in Gitmo means we can just keep the Gitmates there forever, no minimum wage, no tips, just the room and board W was spending anyway. Management? VP "Happy Dick" Cheney will soon be available to fill the key position, Social Director. With this ultra low cost structure Gitmo is perfectly positioned as the resort of Joe Six Pack, the Red State Club Med.

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