Cagey Pope Plays Deep Game

It's Sunday morning so As Good As News will focus on, who else, the Pope. A good news, bad news day for Benedict XVI. First the good news, the Pope reasserted the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church as the sole mediator of salvation and noted defects in other Christian faiths. Protestant leaders whined that this would hurt ecumenical relations, but they are missing the subtle strategy pursued by this politically astute Pope. On the surface it looks like the Pope's story is simple and he's sticking to it: " you are going to hell if you are not a Roman Catholic." Not warm and fuzzy, perhaps, but forget the Episcopalians and the Greek Orthodox, this Pope knows where the action is, this is a breakthrough step in establishing common ground with radical Islam. The Pope has just opened a dialogue with another group that shares his my way or the highway belief system. Radical Islamists will not only damn you to hell for modern, Westernized behaviour, they will gladly accelerate your date of departure with suicide bombs and beheadings. Pope has now established his own radical fundamentalist cred, next move is to convince radical Islamists to allow infidels to die a natural death and leave the sentencing to Allah. Nobel peace prize will follow. The bad news? NY Times reports Archdiocese of Los Angeles will settle child abuse claims of 500 plaintiffs for $660 Million. At over $1 Million per plaintiff this dwarfs the $85 Million paid to settle 552 claims in Boston. With more settlements on the horizon the cagey Pope may be looking for more than just the Nobel Peace Prize - how about a new relationship between Vatican Bank and Saudi lenders. This Pope won't hesitate to remind them that Shariah prohibits charging interest. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope is pictured above with other fundamentalist leaders:

• Alireza Jamshidi (on Pope's left), Iranian judicial spokesman announcing continued use of stoning to implement death penalty for adultery;
• David Vitter (far left), family values Senator from Louisiana - Note to Alireza - Ali, be a fundamentalist bro, do not, repeat do not under any circumstances tell the guys with the stones about Vitter's brothel faux pas - it was a long time ago and he is very sorry;
• Bud Selig (although Bud's expression is far more menacing than guy announcing stonings - Bud's fundamentalist cred is actually very shaky, designated hitter is an abominable heresy and Bud would have paid dearly by now in any country with a real justice system); and,
• Mr. Smiley Face derriere graffiti used to surround and harass highly suspect "interdenominational church" in Times Square- Pope and Mullahs may have collaborated on this graffiti campaign, Pope's plan already in action.

To Do List? This was supposed to be political humor - see special close

Nothing funny in today's headlines so - with unshakeable certainty that the world will be fascinated with the minutia of my monotonous retiree existence, I join the universe of diary blogging and publish my to do list.

1. Check toothpaste for "made in china" label. Chinese officials defend use of antifreeze as low cost ingredient, probably tasty as well as cheap and teeth will look exceptionally white if you elect open casket. Any chance the Chinese officials defending this practice own the toothpaste factory? Just yesterday Chinese President Hu Jintao was quoted as saying:
“Insist on the party’s leadership...and ruling the nation by laws” . Can an authoritarian one party state ever be a government of laws? Chinese antifreeze producers now looking to shift excess capacity resulting from toothpaste fiasco into toy train market, for an extra $2.95 Thomas the Tank will come with lead paint and a freight car of slick, green goop.

2. Write congratulatory note to Pope Benedict XVI. Sure he got off to a rocky start - PR gaffes followed by apologies to Islam and Latin America - but now the man is on a roll. Revival of Latin Mass sure to be a hit with the all important ancient Roman demographic, run-off election system insures health of future popes (see yesterday's post here at As Good As News) and premier of pope's new network prime time TV show, National Bingo Night, a summer ratings smash. PR blitz to continue next week with roll-out of Strudel and Becks alternative to bread and wine for communion.

3. Sign renewal contract for next summer's lawn service ......before immigration bill passes.

4. Finish plea to Lorne Michaels - never be another Gilda but we can still bring Emily Litella back. Just too many opportunites to pass up. Tuesday we had the virtual/invisible fence, today it's "desertification" -
"I just don't see the problem here Chevy, I mean I may be a little chunky but if I want a hot fudge sundae as an appetizer, cheesecake for my entree and chocolate oblivion for my after dinner drink I think it's horrible that the NY Times would write a story complaining about desertification."
No Emily, desertification, not dessertification, were talking about fields and forrests turning into sand dunes.

5. Think of something that is actually funny for tomorrow's post.

As Good As News -Special Item
Follow- Up Report:

The photo that inspired my Top Ten Reasons to Visit Iran was too good to be true. The NY Times pulled the picture and the caption from the Times on-line with an announcement that the "victim" may have been a real criminal, not just a teen wearing the wrong T shirt. Even a thug should probably not have to eat an implement used to wipe the policeman's derriere, at least not before a trial. Times can back off, but my Top Ten stays.

Post on Taxes are Death to Comics etc. was sent to NY Times as a serious letter to the editor, the reporting in the original NY Times story on "hedge fund" tax was genuinely abysmal. Although there were no new developments on the tax story, the Times ran a follow-up piece the next day which did a better job - if only they had included my example featuring Benny at the Jersey shore.

Jewels- yawn- what's up with Paris?

Headlines on CIA "Family Jewels" were so enticing I spent hours looking for fun in all the wrong places. Not much humor, or much news, in the Jewels, although some of the details are intriguing for people who were around in the 60's and early 70's and there's a nice photo of the young Darth Cheney, still only partially converted to the dark side. This story will erupt only when we learn that Cheney has the leading man role in redacted sections. The moral of the story is ancient history: fund and operate a resourceful agency in a way that immunizes it from scrutiny by both the media and the opposition party and sooner or later even the most law abiding President (Richard Nixon?) will be unable to resist using that agency as a short-cut means to any ends, legal or not, moral or not, that the President (or his deniability enabling staff) can't achieve openly. Media scrutiny possibly not the ideal way to go for a spy agency, Congressional oversight already improved, let's cross our fingers and move on to an alternative form of government.

Pope Benedict XVI switches papal election system to call for run-off between the two leading candidates if no candidate gets 2/3 majority by 13th day of conclave. Run-off definitely the way to go, leading candidates usually at least 70 and sometimes in frail health. Not sure if run- off is a sprint or more of a middle distance, but at least we will get a pope who can lace up his sneakers and go for it without collapsing at starting line. Ripple effect starts now, as leading papal contenders go into training and College of Cardinals looks to capture NCAA cross country crown.