Sunday, April 20, 2008

Dear Rudy

Dear Rudy,

It is with some reluctance that I write this letter. After all, you come from a good family. Sure, your father was a crook and a convict, but he had you baptized and sent you to Catholic school. I'm sure you really thought about becoming a priest, even if you have been stretching the story with that little fib about the four years of theology (yes Rudy, we have a very extensive file on you). Even now, despite all your problems, you are the kind of guy who understands the value of cherished institutions, the need for authority in preserving those institutions and the vital roles that symbolism and discipline play in maintaining that authority. You have the 9/11 mantra just as I have the big hat and the red shoes. You too understand that driving a powerless enemy into the ground long after he has surrendered is not petty or vindictive, not when you need to make an example of someone.

So, Rudy, with all your advantages, how could you do this to me? First it was the whole abortion thing. Yes, I get it, you were running for mayor of New York, not Waco. Yes, I understand political compromise, Yes, I see the difference between supporting a decision made by the Supreme Court (may they burn in Hell) that limits the circumstances in which abortion can be punished as unlawful and actually recommending abortion over adoption to an individual mother. But Rudy, you went out of your way to pander to those pro-abortion loonies and barely mentioned my, I mean your, personal views.

Then it was the gay rights. Rudy, I too recognize the value of every soul, but enough already, this was ridiculous. All those pictures of you in drag, and we know this was only the tip of the iceberg (I think I may have already mentioned our extensive files). I actually share your view that deviants should have some of the same civil rights as human beings (not marriage of course, but some of the other stuff - like the right to vote in Republican primaries), but you don't need to join the other team just to make a point.

Next came the divorce. Sure that first annulment was expensive and time consuming, but we could have worked something out the second time around, I mean you were the Mayor of New York, a hero in the new crusades, you think the Ecclesiastical Court judges don't read the newspapers? Instead you rush into divorce so you can marry a bimbo who doesn't even remember how many husbands she's had. For Chrissake Rudy, it's not like we had a detective following you around (well, we won't go into that right now) you were slapping your own faith, the One True Church, in the face and doing it right on the the front pages.

All of this we could have abided silently, in the best interests of the Church (I mean - really we had to be careful, you could have become the effing President), knowing all the while that you would pay with your immortal soul throughout eternity. But yesterday, yesterday was the final straw. Rudy, the Roman Catholic Church is not a religion where you get to make your own rules up as you go along. In the eyes of God and your own Faith you are still married to Donna (OK, she vomits uncontrollably at the sight of you and the kids turn their backs - don't worry it happens all the time.) People who marry in the Church, get a civil divorce then have sexual relations with a new "spouse" in a marriage the Church does not recognize are living unrepentantly in a state of mortal sin. You can't take communion. To do so publicly at my own Mass --- Rudy, what did you think would happen, you left me no choice.

Guess what Rudy! Now that we know you aren't going to become President, you are going to become something else instead- the poster boy in my new campaign against cafeteria Catholics. That's right - there's no such thing as a cafeteria Catholic, there are only Catholics and fools unwittingly treading a self-guided path to eternal damnation. Rudy, there can be only one, one man who stands in the shoes of the Fisherman, one man who speaks from the chair of St. Peter with the authority of God that has been passed down through two millenia and that one man is your's truly. I don't care if the churches in Europe are empty, the churches in North America ignore me and the churches in the rest of the world are broke, I am still the boss and you will not forget it. Sorry Rudy, but, from a theological standpoint, it's Giuliani time.

Rudy, you are hereby excommunicated. If you don't like it - well I think I may have mentioned an extensive background file once or twice. Not only am I the Pope, with that whole infallibility thing going for me, I have enough on you to make Giuliani a synonym for slime.

From the Chair of Saint Peter,
Benedict XVI, Defender of the Faith

PS - you can get in touch with my people if you want to make a true confession (in your case we would require a public confession on Network TV - I'm thinking Oprah) and stop living in sin.

No comments: