Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Dear John - Enough with the tutoring - Sarah

Dear John,

I know that "thank you notes" are nearing extinction, but that is not the way I was raised. So, thank you again for selecting me as your running mate.

I will do my best for you and I promise I can add a lot to our campaign and administration. I know I can do better than Dick Cheney. No way am I going to shoot my own friend while hunting. I've been shooting since I was a little girl and that is one mistake I will never make. Now maybe if I happened to come up behind my ex-brother in law unexpectedly...sorry, John, I was getting a little off message there.

I also want to thank you for all the help I'm getting from your people, learning about the economy, foreign affairs, constitutional rights. It's really pretty demanding. I mean Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae were private companies that added liquidity to the mortgage market without spending government money - until their unsupervised mismanagement throughout the Bush administration led them to package so many bad loans they were about to go belly-up, crippling the real estate and financial markets. Who knew. It's almost as confusing as that Shiite - Sunni stuff, oops - didn't mean to bring that up.

John, even though I really appreciate all the time your people are spending on me, I'm getting kind of tired of all this. I'm all about leadership, not issues. A good leader can make decisions instinctively and then get things done. When I saw Daddy's Rommate, Catcher in the Rye and Ulysses in the Wasilla library I didn't need a big fat resume or a panel of experts to tell me there was a problem, I just knew. When that old bat librarian had the nerve to suggest I read the books before banning them and then started to babble about classics and censorship and maybe setting up an adults only section, I knew just how to handle her. "Get with the program or step off honey", that's what I told her, "I know what's best for Wasilla and I don't need any more haters getting in my way. I've got plenty of friends at church who know smut when they see it and they could do a damn sight better job than you". Sorry John, started to slip off message again there.

But John, really, can't I please stop this seminar from hell now. I'm more ready for that silly interview with Charlie Gibson than I was for the finals of the Miss Alaska Pageant. I'll have him wrapped around my little finger in five minutes flat, just like when I met you - oops - but you get the point. I can handle myself around old guys without any more help from these annoying eggheads. This cram session is turning into the kind of nightmare scenario we should be using in Gitmo. Sorry again John - I know you don't believe in torture, but really, how else can you deal with those Moslems, I mean Arabs, I mean terrorists. Really, your people are making things way too complicated. It's time to put me on TV and let me show America what I'm all about. When I'm President, I mean Vice President, I'm sure I'll look back on all this and laugh, but if that twit expert on Latin America asks me one more question on the difference between Caesar Chavez and Hugo Chavez, I'm going to gut him like a rabid moose. That guy is really getting on my nerves. He looks like he should have been the model for the roommate in Daddy Has a Freaking Roomate.

Anyway, keep the faith, can't wait to see you again. No more lectures needed. Just call your people and tell them I'm ready and I'll show up at the Charlie Gibson interview loaded for bear. I just need to make a quick stop at home to make sure my future son in law isn't taking this "hockey hunk" publicity too seriously. Already made one mistake, got to watch that boy very carefully.



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