Hillary on Midnight Plane to Georgia

Two Presidents Say They Encountered Gunfire - This has nothing to do with Darth Cheney, who has actually been demoted to Vice President for the past year. With regular medication Darth has adjusted nicely to his new role. He didn't shoot at anyone recently, not even Barack Obama, not even by accident.

No, today's story is about a shooting incident in that other Georgia. Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili and Polish President Lech Kaczynski heard gunfire as they disembarked from their limo for a photo op at a check point manned by Russian "peacekeepers" near the border of South Ossetia. The two Presidents were quick to say, "Look Europe, Look USA, see how crazy these Russians are, now that's what we're talking about." The Russians denied shooting anything, particularly in the direction of Georgia, and branded the whole incident a publicity stunt.

Secretary Designate Hillary Clinton immediately fired off her first diplomatic protest, demanding to know why she had not been invited to the shooting. "I've had plenty of experience with this type of incident in Bosnia", said America's soon to be top diplomat, "not only can I duck and cover, but I know just how to handle the press during the after shoot interviews. It's a shame Mikheil didn't think to get me involved, but I've packed my camo pantsuit and I'm leaving on the midnight plane to Georgia. I'll soon be in his world, because I can't live without this story in mine."

Everyone's A Critic: China Blasts "Chinese Democracy" - Guns N' Roses takes 14 years to release its new album, Chinese Democracy. When the group finally does, music critics greet it as the death of a genre. Just as Guns N' Roses is about to slide unnoticed back into oblivion, the Chinese Communist party comes to the group's rescue, denouncing the album as "venomously attacking China" and as part of a larger Western conspiracy to "grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn". What did Axl Rose offer Hu Jintao to get this kind of publicity? A diligent search has produced nothing on this, but do not be surprised if you see an elderly Chinese man getting a lap dance in the first video cut from Chinese Democracy.