Thursday, November 20, 2008

Today revisited on November 20, 2009

Bill Clinton Said to Accept Terms of Obama Team - One year after accepting a detailed set of conditions to facilitate his wife's appointment as Secretary of State, the former President nearly came to blows with Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

"Don't take any speaking fees or gifts to my foundation from foreign states or lobbyists, don't take any new public policy positions on my own, I absolutely get all that", said the former President. "I even tried my best to live up to the secret condition - don't embarrass the administration with any extramarital sexual escapades - I mean, I took every possible precaution to avoid embarrassing the administration - I used a Days Inn in the middle of nowhere, signed in as William Smith, paid cash, how could I know there was FBI surveillance on the room next door. I really don't see what more I could have done, I can't understand why Rahm is so upset."

When asked to respond, Mr. Emanuel emitted a series of stifled, yet still feral, shrieks and assumed a martial arts position.

Regenerating a Mammoth for $10 Million -, a consortium of the Museum of Natural History, Bronx Zoo, Penn State University and Mt. Sinai Hospital, announced today that an elephant and a leopard had been successfully reimpregnated with their own embryos, now genetically modified into a woolly mammoth and a saber tooth tiger, respectively. The consortium was created a year ago to combine opportunities for genetic research and fundraising by capitalizing on prehistoric DNA supplies and new capabilities in genetic modification . The four institutions have incurred over $15 Million in expenses to date, but a StoneAgeDreams representative was optimistic that the program would more than pay for itself:

"First, just wait for these big mamas to give birth. Imagine the excitement, people will forget all about those cute Pandas - heck people will forget all about Brangelina. Then picture the lines at the Zoo. And what about movies? Hollywood spent hundreds of millions of dollars on Jurassic Park, come on, Hollywood spent hundreds of millions on Heaven's Gate, what do you think the chance to shoot a movie with a real Woolly Mammoth and Saber Tooth Tiger will be worth? Tar Pits I, II, III, IV and V here we come. Maybe we can even get someone funny to play Ben Stiller and remake A Night At The Museum."

Iran Said To Have Nuclear Fuel for one Weapon -Iran announced the conclusions of the targeting committee formed a year ago when leaders realized the country had enough enriched uranium for only one nuclear weapon. Although some technical obstacles remain before the device is completed, the final target priorities have been set and they include a major surprise. Actual targeting will naturally depend on conditions at time of use, including available delivery systems and target security, but the country's current strategic objectives produced the following priorities: 4) Baghdad 3) New York 2) Tel Aviv 1) Crawford, Texas.

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