Attention Gaza Shoppers

Hamas Pierces Egypt Border, Opening Gaza - As a quasi governmental organization Hamas has won the hearts and minds of angry Palestinians with its simple yet eloquent platform - everyone must die. Yesterday Hamas ordered Muhammad Mishlahad to hop into his "big Effer" crane (OK, As Good As News has been know to fabricate a quote or two, but "big Effer" is for real) and bash a gap in the security wall Egypt had erected to protect itself from the perpetually angry Gaza strippers. Did a gang of suicide bombers cleverly disguised as Egyptians then race through this strategic hole in the wall? No, it was more like a retailer opening for a special sale event at 6AM on Black Friday (relax Karen Black and Bruce Dern fans, we mean the shopping day after Thanksgiving - nothing to do with superbowl teror). An eager wave of ordinary civilians who had withstood a long blockade unleashed a friendly surge of shopping fury. Egypt didn't seem to mind, as long as the shoppers returned home. Despite the fact that Hamas got some kudos, even Israel didn't seem to mind, viewing the gap in the wall as an opening to possible involvement by Egypt in Gaza. So the closest thing to good news to come out of Gaza in years turns out to be a shopping story? Who knew, maybe W was right all along and we can bring American values to Iraq. Instead of helping them build a constitution we should build a Walmart.

FDA Requiring Suicide Studies in Drug Trials - Voters Showing a Darker Mood Than in '00 Race - Senior officials in Health and Human Services are quietly elated by preliminary test results on an improved version of Prozac scheduled for release this Summer. Most subjects in clinical trials became so laid back and content that they told polsters they would vote for the incumbent president's party without even knowing the names of the candidates. A small, but statistically significant, minority showed improvement in their mood but did not turn into political vegetables. Significant concerns raised by this minority were allayed when follow-up studies showed a high percentage would commit suicide by the end of October.

College Students Now Register to Vote in Same Way They Study for Exams - Drink too much Starbucks, get restless and play video games all night?