Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Wolverine Stew

Michigan Joins the Race For a "Me First" Primary -

"Michigan has been bellyaching for years, far more vociferously than any other state, about Iowa and New Hampshire going first, Mr Ballenger said. Michigan is saying, "We"ve had it, we're going Jan 15, we're going to trump everyone.""

New Hampshire Governor John Lynch announced the results of an emergency joint session of the New Hampshire Legislature held last night: "New Hampshire sneers at Michigan and announces its primary will be held tomorrow, assuring continuation of its historical primary primacy for the 2008 election. The New Hampshire primary for the 2012 election has now been set for Nov. 11, 2008. "

Iowa announced the results of the caucuses that were secretly held late last night. Hillary Clinton wins with a beer and champagne coalition of union leaders and intellectuals who said they might have considered Obama if he had taken the time to get to know Iowa. Obama was stunned, "I had months of campaigning scheduled for Iowa - how could they move the caucus without even telling the candidates?" Mike Huckabee squeezed out a shocking upset in a Republican vote that was scattered almost evenly over six candidates. Veteran GOP delegate Earl E. Byrd said he went with Huckabee because the other Republicans didn't even pretend to have a sense of humor, adding, "That Guliani guy was downright scary when he got angry - I thought he was going to blow his hair right off his own head, but the real losers are those pricks from Michigan - this ought to poke them in the eye with a sharp stick, and if we need to go retroactive with our next caucus - we will! "

U.S. Group Accuses Chinese Toy Factories of Labor Abuses - "China Labor Watch, which is based in New York, said that it had investigated eight Chinese factories over the last year and discovered widespread labor violations, including the hiring of under-age workers, mandatory overtime, unsafe working conditions and managers who engaged in verbal abuse and sexual harassment." Chinese leader Hu Jinatao, known endearingly to As Good As News readers as Party Animal, yawned – he had just returned from a long night of clubbing -– and said it was time for the do gooders and the Western media to get off China' s back. “We are a government of laws” said Party Animal, “we are a newly developed country and we will learn about safety and workers' rights once we have established global leadership in toys and other markets. Besides, one fat despot has dominated the toy market for centuries from an isolated workshop using malnourished senior citizens as slave labor. His workers can't leave because they would freeze to death in polar conditions if they tried to escape wearing only green tights. He even operates a reindeer team 24/7 with no food or water during the holiday season just to make his final deliveries. Where's the NY Times Story on the real bad guys?" S. Claus, CEO of Polar Toys Limited, could not be reached for comment.

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