Thanksgiving Perspectives

Thanksgiving Day, not the concept, but the specific secular celebration held on the the fourth Thursday of November, is a US institution, but that doesn't mean everyone shares the same perspective or ritual. Consider a few alternative Thanksgiving days:

Turkeys - 9AM Memorial Service followed by 4PM Annual "SO GLAD WE MADE IT" dinner featuring Spencer Davis tribute trio of celebrity yodelers.

Auto Travelers - 11AM to 3PM - snarl through thirty mile drive; 3PM - 7PM eat week's worth of food then pretend to watch football on TV, all the while plotting return trip; 8PM Announce to family that you will not leave until after Midnight and explain brief detour into Ohio may be necessary to get from Northern to Central New Jersey.

Native Americans - 11 AM - Angry mob burns Pocahontas in effigy for 385th consecutive year.

College Students - 4PM, rub sleep from eyes and wolf down turkey - breakfast of champions - following hard Wednesday night partying with high school buds.

Air Travelers - 7AM - Call Transportation Security Administration to see if Grandma has been released yet - voice mail instructs you to have a Blessed Thanksgiving, the office is closed. 7:30 AM - after ten busy signals you reach the Lost Luggage number for BudgetAir, voice mail instructs you to have a Blessed Thanksgiving, the office is closed.

Guantanamo Inmates - Noon - spit on specially prepared Red Cross Turkey Dinner; 2PM - enjoy unique Holiday Celebration featuring waterboarding with cranberry juice.

Vegetarians - 4PM pig out on delicious, steaming hot plate of roasted, beige colored material pressed into the shape of turkey breast; 5PM studiously avoid watching football, except for a few seconds, well maybe minutes, while changing channels. 6PM strange stomach sensations and sounds lead to heated discussion with host - "What do you mean that wasn't tofu - didn't you get our e-mail?"

PETA - 6AM - Militant faction attempts to shoo a flock of two dozen liberated live turkeys to freedom at sunrise ceremony/photo op on Sixth Ave. near Macy's. Twenty-three birds immediately strut to their death under the tires of the fast moving early AM traffic - one lucky turkey reaches Madison Square Garden and dons an abandoned "I Love Zeke" jersey.